At my wits' end...

[Bliss]

I'll try to keep this short... don't know if I can.

DD started elementary school (1st grade) this year. She thinks it's "cool" to buy breakfast and lunch - despite the fact that she takes a lunch with her every day and we have breakfast here before school. Unfortunately, the school lets her just take a breakfast or a lunch and puts her account into a negative balance - and then we get notifications once a month or so that she has a negative balance.

This first started last October or so. We received a notification that she had an over $20 negative balance. DH and I were flabbergasted because she takes her lunch every day, she eats breakfast here at home every day. We told her she was no longer allowed to get breakfast or lunch at school and we made it very clear. The next week we went in to pay it off and they gave us a printout of when she'd gotten a meal and we found that she'd done it that entire week - even after we'd had the talk with her about NOT doing it. We paid the bill and then we had a long talk with her (turns out she would either throw out her lunch or she would eat both the lunch she brought AND a lunch from the school, and sometimes would buy breakfast, as well, despite having just eaten breakfast) and we also had a long talk with the cafeteria manager. The cafeteria manager agreed to not give DD any food unless she had money in hand. DD's teacher knew about this, as well.

Because she blatantly disobeyed us after we'd already told her to stop doing it, we punished her. I racked my brain trying to figure out how to make the punishment fit the crime - what I came up with was that she was to do any chores that surrounded food (cleaning up the counters, the dining room table, help clean the dishes and put them away, help put groceries away after shopping) and that she would get "paid" for so much of the work - and that payment went into the amount of money we had to pay for her balance. It ended up kind of backfiring on us, though, because she actually enjoyed cleaning up the kitchen and stuff. Go figure.

Anyway, she was doing great until these last two weeks, apparently. She slipped yesterday and accidentally mentioned eating Trix cereal. I said "We've never had Trix cereal - where'd you get that?" In a really quiet voice, with her face pointed at the floor, she said "At school today..." She'd gotten a breakfast again. The cafeteria manager had surgery and hasn't been back yet - the surgery was a couple of months ago. So this morning when we dropped her off at school I specifically told her "Do NOT go to the cafeteria and get breakfast. You had a big breakfast at home today." She said okay and got out of the car.

This afternoon I received notification of a negative balance for meals - $12 and change. DH and I are livid - we've had this discussion several times with her. On the way home tonight I told her we needed to have a talk tonight about her negative balance and she instantly broke down into tears and said "But I really wanted french toast for breakfast." I asked her if she got breakfast today, despite us specifically telling her RIGHT before not to, and she said yes, and that she wanted french toast.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what an appropriate punishment is for this. DH and I have already decided that she's not allowed any desserts or special treats for at least a week - probably two weeks since we rather rarely have those anyway - but that's obviously not enough. I'm also going to get her in to the doctor just to be safe... maybe a counselor, too.

She keeps saying she's "so hungry" at school - she doesn't really do it at home - so DH and I are wondering if she's doing it because it's the "cool" thing to do. She normally eats a good breakfast - for instance, this morning she had a good-sized bowl of cereal with milk, a banana, a small glass of orange juice, and she also ate what was left of her brother's cereal when he didn't eat it all. Her lunches are usually a sandwich of some sort, a fruit of some sort (usually an apple, a banana, or some grapes, or occasionally a small box of raisins), a juice drink or water bottle, and a little snack of some sort (whether it's a couple chips or crackers or maybe a cookie or two for special treat). It's more than enough food for a 6 year old. I just don't get it. (Breakfast is usually a fruit, juice/milk/water, and cereal or oatmeal, though occasionally I'll do eggs or something special like pancakes or french toast - it's hard to do the eggs/pancakes/french toast thing during the week, though, when we all have to get out of the house to school/work.)

So... anyone have any thoughts on punishment and/or what else we can do about this? I'm totally at a loss and I'm terrified that she's going to develop an eating disorder...

[Bliss]

Heh, so much for keeping it short. I should also mention that we're not punishing the extra food or the eating - we're punishing the blatant disregard for what we told her to do and not to do.

Thanks much if you made it all the way through...

[Bliss]

Don't think we haven't thought about that, Tuna. We calculated out the costs of her eating lunches at school and it's over twice as expensive as her taking her own lunch.

We've been paying off the balances and having to both cut out some other things as well as dip into the savings we have set aside for our house down payment and moving costs - neither of which are ideal.

Once every two weeks we do give her money so she can buy lunch, and we've also told her that we will "pay" her to do extra chores around the house and she uses that money to buy lunch when she wants to. She doesn't do much in the way of extra chores, though (what kid does), probably because she knows we'll end up paying off the balances anyway.

[Empress]

Those are all carbs. Try giving her more hearty meals with protein. A bowl of cereal leaves me starving within 2 hours.

[Mrs. Chickenhead]

Give her some protein for breakfast, call the school and bitch about them serving Trix for breakfast and let her buy lunch once a week.

[Madame Merlot]

I would try to find a way to eliminate that option for her. I know Zach, especially at that age, when faced with something he REALLY wants, he doesn't always have the willpower to do what's right. Then he feels bad for doing it, along with wondering what sort of trouble he'll get into, etc.

Can you have the school 'turn off' her meal buying ability? I'd call and talk to them. Also, Zach knows he gets to buy lunch on Fridays. We haven't had to worry about this particular problem, but knowing he gets to buy is something he looks forward to. Maybe go over the menu with her and let her pick one breakfast and one lunch each week--no matter how crappy it may be, let it be HER choice so she can still do what she's wanting and maybe it will help her control herself on the other days.

[Madame Merlot]

Also, I second the protein suggestions. I send a drinkable yogurt every day with Zach and try to incorporate cheese sticks, etc, b/c I know for me, a simple carb does nothing to sustain my hunger, it actually just makes me want to eat more. Maybe also find out what exact items she's wanting to get from the school lunch and try replicating some of them for her bag lunch. I personally don't pack to save money, but to hopefully get better nutrition. The damned yogurts are over 3.00 for a 4 pack, and his school lunch is under 2.00, so once you add in the sandwich, pirate's booty, fruit, cheese stick, or whatever gets packed, I think I'm past the 1.70.

The idea of earning money to buy extra lunches is good, but if she's like Zach, the long term goal just doesn't cut it when faced with a short term fix, such as just going ahead and sneaking it. He's doing better, but 2 years ago? No way would that have worked.

[Bliss]

I'm trying to find some breakfast protein sources that aren't dairy, soy, or eggs, and I swear it's like next to impossible without requiring a lot of extra time to cook. The problem is that she's not allergic to dairy or anything, but if she has too much, she gets stopped up really easily. Her doctor had said to cut back on the milk, yogurt, and cheese and see if it helps - and it has, tremendously. She gets more protein with lunch and dinner. Argh, it's all so frustrating!

I think DH are going to sit with her this weekend and go over the menu and let her pick one day a week where she can buy her lunch and/or breakfast. If she "cheats" and goes when we've already provided her with food, then there will have to be some serious consequences. In the meantime, she's still being punished for the blatant disregard of what we told her. She's going to miss one day of ballet (so that she can see the consequences of us having to spend money on her extra lunches - that money that would be used for ballet has to pay for that extra food) and she has to help in the kitchen for one week. We're also going to have her make her lunches for at least the next week or two so that she A) gets that sense of responsibility and B) she might feel more "attached" to it and not throw it away if it's something she put together. We'll still have final say over what goes IN her lunch, but she'll have to completely put it together.

As for turning off the meal buying ability - that was the arrangement we had with the cafeteria manager who ran the cash register at the school. She's been out and the new lady says she doesn't know the kids well enough to know who is allowed and who isn't - and for whatever reasons they can't (or won't) put notes in the computer.

*sigh* Like I said, more than anything I'm concerned she's going to develop an eating disorder. Maybe I'm more focused on her eating so much because I'm heavy... I don't know. My heaviness isn't due to overeating, though. My mom's is, however.

[Empress]

Just give her the protein in the morning and in her lunch when she seems to need it, and make dinner lighter with more fiber.

I think you're over-thinking this.

[Snuf]

Peanutbutter on toast? Or does that cause issues for her system too? I wish we could do that but ds is PA unfortunately.

We let ds eat in the cafeteria for lunch even though it costs a bit more because he actually eats more and it allows him to try (and even like) a lot of new things.

For some kids that I see in the cafeteria when I walk him in every morning it is a social thing. They aren't allowed to sit down in there with their friends unless they buy breakfast. At lunch the kids who bring their lunch are sent to sit down first and don't get to sit with whomever they go through lunch line with.

[tweedledum]

could she bring breakfast to school so she could sit with everyone while they eat the food that they bought? (unless its like snuf's school)

[Bliss]

Originally Posted by Empress

I think you're over-thinking this.

That wouldn't be a shock. I overthink everything. Uggh.

[Shifty]

Originally Posted by Bliss

That wouldn't be a shock. I overthink everything. Uggh.

I know I'm new...but....

Does she get an allowance or does she get money from family for birthdays or what not? What if she bought her own breakfast and ate her bagged lunch?

I'm sure you've thought about that too...

You sound stressed, for sure. Hope she starts working with y'all.

[Cornstarr]

Originally Posted by Madame Merlot

I would try to find a way to eliminate that option for her. I know Zach, especially at that age, when faced with something he REALLY wants, he doesn't always have the willpower to do what's right. Then he feels bad for doing it, along with wondering what sort of trouble he'll get into, etc.

Can you have the school 'turn off' her meal buying ability? I'd call and talk to them. Also, Zach knows he gets to buy lunch on Fridays. We haven't had to worry about this particular problem, but knowing he gets to buy is something he looks forward to. Maybe go over the menu with her and let her pick one breakfast and one lunch each week--no matter how crappy it may be, let it be HER choice so she can still do what she's wanting and maybe it will help her control herself on the other days.

I agree with this. Also, I would really complain if they were not willing to at least put a note in the computer, it can't be that hard. It's like this credit card has been given to your 6 y/o. If she keeps disobeying, maybe start paying it off by selling her toys...good credit lesson anyway lol She has to learn sometime that the breakfasts aren't free.

If she obeys after a certain amount of time, let her earn one meal a week with good behaviour.

[ImaC]

Id call the school and tell them not to serve her. Their job is to take care of her and they arent doing it.