Rough patch. - Sybermoms Parenting Forum
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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-01-2002, 09:32 AM Thread Starter
Wayward Wombat
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Rough patch.

Has anyone ever worked through a really rough patch in a marriage.

I mean like, hostility, no sex, resentment, judgemental non support, selfishness, disinterest, the list goes on.

Just wondering. I hate to think about getting another divorce but dh is acting like a dick, he cannot get over shit I did and said while I was ppd-ing. I straightened right up when I got on the prozac, but he likes to bring up things I did (which were pretty bad) and things I said (which were worse) when I was way off kilter last summer.

This, of course, makes me mad and perpetuates a level of histility that I am not going to live with. Plus since we're currently living apart most of the time it's so easy to kind of imagine things just going on like this until I just move on.

We tried counnseling but he was so hysterical he couldn't get through an hour without crying and getting really really upset.

i am distraught. I also don't think there are many irl I can talk to, pride is an issue, also what if we dont split up, then I'll have girlfriends who know how bad it is and that's the worst.
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-01-2002, 10:19 AM
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Well, my only rough patch in my only marriage ended in a divorce. Well, a divorce if I could find him.


I am not a lot of help as I am totally anti-marriage and relationship right now and have noticed that everyone I know who is in 'love' is miserable.

Sorry! LoL
post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-01-2002, 12:25 PM Thread Starter
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Sniffy, I am not exactly urging everyone I knew to get hitched, either! !
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-01-2002, 03:53 PM
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Gee hon, I am not sure what to say. Counseling is going well for us here. Maybe you could try again with a different counselor? It sounds kind of odd that the counselor couldn't get through that.

If he keeps bringing up the past, then that needs to be nipped in the bud now. Our counselor has us doing the "benefit of the dount" thing. It is where when your spouse does something or says somethign to piss you off, the first thing you do is give him the benefit of the doubt that he wasn't intentionally hurting you, or that he was trying to help in some way.

I hope this helps a little bit. When spouses keep bringing up the past and keep holding you to past mistakes and standards, it is so hard to grow and overcome your own things. Good Luck, and keep us updated.

Magic
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-02-2002, 04:21 PM
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Yeah, me. We haven't had sex in months because I don't trust him with my heart. Isn't that sick and sad? :cry

We have serious relationship issues, but I can't work on them until I get my head straigtened around about my problems. I keep telling myself I'm just postponing it.

My psychiatrist says my homework this week is to lay some groundwork at re-establishing common ground with DH. We are to go to a movie or another non-talk-required outing, alone. In her words,

"I'm not saying you should have sex." Click here to enlarge

We can chat if you like. Dh is not abusive physically or emotionally, but we are completely separate entities, and do not cooperate well most times.
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-02-2002, 08:06 PM
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re: relationships

Dear sniffy,
:badhairda
I hope that one day the pain caused by your ex will
subside and you'll give love a chance again. Life is too short to spend it all alone. Of course we're never "always" alone, with friends and family about, but it is nice to have someone to come home to and talk to about your day, or anything else. The more time that we spend angry and hurt about what other people do to us, the more we are empowering them to reciprocate the damage that they have already done. You seem like too good of a person to let someone to keep you down like that. :yinyang

On a personal note, I myself am planning on asking out a "friend of a friend". Maybe I'm stupid in the head, maybe it's spring fever, maybe I'll get laughed at and shot down, but I get a good vibe from this person and all those "maybe's" are worth taking the chance. I decided that it was time to start living in the now, rather than continuing to deluge myself with the past.

I hope that my nerves hold up.:barf

It's been a long time since I have asked someone out. Are there any new rules to dating in the 21st century?
post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-02-2002, 08:26 PM
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hi seeyalou.

god, it sounds awful. does your dh want to get it sorted out? if so, he may need to attend counseling on his own if he's that distraught. it sounds like he needs a place to get all that resentment and anger off before he can pay attention to the current issues in your relationship. he certainly should'nt be firing it at you after all this time, though it sounds like nothing was resolved back then (?)

at any rate, though he may be entitled to some support around his anger and pain over what happened a year ago, it's not your job to provide it. even if you wanted to, you could'nt, which i'm sure you know.

if he is committed to the relationship, he has a responsibility to get "unstuck" around what happened. you might want to consider some individual support for yourself as well, because it doesn't sound like you're getting any, and at the very least, you need some clarity around your expectations from dh re: this ongoing nightmare.

good luck sistah...feel free to mail me if you wanna vent some more. Click here to enlarge

Like Annie it's a hard nock life...

"Let it be far from my feeble mental capacities to extrapolate on my myriad examples that in my field of business led me to my conclusion that it would be better safe than sorry."
Soapy - because she is smert.


Fuck you, Narnia!

http://www.sybermoms.com/forums/showthread.php?t=252503
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-03-2002, 06:17 AM
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I am so sorry to hear that all of this is going on!

Are you still going to the therapist anyway? The two of you? I know it is so hard, but sometimes it takes a while just to be able to express yourself (like it sounds he is doing) when there is just so much pain involved.

Sometimes it's best to realize you can't handle the issues without a mediator and try not to talk about things by yourself. Make sure the counselor is there with you.

I've been through a similar situation and it is so hard to walk around and act normal on a day to day basis when part of your foundation is crumbling.

I sure hope you guys get it worked out. I'll send good thoughts your way...
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-05-2002, 03:17 PM
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Im sorry to hear youre going through this! Click here to enlarge Well, my rough patch also broke my relationship up. We had a few more issues than it seems you do, so maybe thats a good sign that you guys can work things out. I do know how it is to have past stuff brought up and held against you. It sucks big time.

One piece of advice, I would not recommend telling a lot of people in your life about the situation (at least in detail). It will complicate things. Plus, while you and your DH may be able to move on and grow together, other people that you have told these things to may not. Friends and family seem more likely to hold grudges (at least the people in my life) than I personally do. So while you may make up, they still see him as a jerk who was unsupportive etc etc. Plus, if your DH finds out that you spilled the gory details of your relationship with friends and family, he may be embarrassed and upset.

So I suggest a counselor for you. Either with or without your DH. You both sound like you need an un biased person to help you guide through this. Good luck Click here to enlarge
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-05-2002, 05:00 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks everybody. I'm feeling more optimistic lately. We had a great weekend Memorial Day. Lots of fun, focused on dd and family, and just hung out.

One blowup only; when he accused me of 'not doing anything' to get ready for dd's birthday party. I was cleaning at the last minute, and had been doing so pretty much all week (the maid quit! oy!). But that blew over pretty quickly and we were on pretty nice terms when he left. Oh, except when he didn't want me to drive his new truck up to the store, & it was parked behind my car. Ass. Anyway, screw him now I've got the new car!

Dubby, I gotta say your question is the one I ask him ALL THE TIME. Do you want to get over all this stuff? Can't you put it behind you? Don't you want this to work out?

And the big one, what the hell happened to your sense of humor? He is so gloomy and seriously angry a lot of the time.

I guess I've sucked the life out of him. In only two years!
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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-05-2002, 09:05 PM
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glad you had a couple of smooth days...Click here to enlarge

seeyalou, remember he's making a choice about the direction this is taking for him...i mean, yes, pain and anger can be overwhelming at times, but unless he is immobilized by depression (which I certainly would'nt blame myself for) he can make a clear choice to work on healing this thing, and then set about making it happen. just like you.

we all use tons of reasons/excuses as to why "now" is not the time to do the counseling or the talking or the looking at the hard stuff, but in the end, if it ain't happening, someone doesn't want to go there.

and don't be so fucking hard on yourself. Click here to enlarge

Like Annie it's a hard nock life...

"Let it be far from my feeble mental capacities to extrapolate on my myriad examples that in my field of business led me to my conclusion that it would be better safe than sorry."
Soapy - because she is smert.


Fuck you, Narnia!

http://www.sybermoms.com/forums/showthread.php?t=252503
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 06-16-2002, 09:07 PM
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OUr rough patch is still going strong. I honestly don't know what will happen but I think that's because neither of us knows what we want.

We want everything to be "better again" but OTOH the relationship has deteriorated a lot. I miss the adult company but I also like not having DH around all the time. It has been really hard with me being sick - and the money situation is a bitch but I just feel the need to be a bit of a hermit crab lately.

I am not having ANY fun in my life - I have been keeping to myself and not seeing friends at all - but that's partly (mainly) because DH has talked to a lot of our mutual friends and I kind of feel like there's nothing left for me to say. I would never discuss our personal life (and our abysmal sex life) with mutual friends.

It's a long time since we have had any romancs in our marriage. A long time since we have been able to have a fun conversation - we never go out alone together or do things on weekends - and we were fighting and picking on each other for every pathetic little thing.

So as far as 'rough patches' go - I am in one and have no idea how to get out of it right now. Rob wants to go for counselling and I kind of think it might help but OTOH I don't feel ready to discuss it all yet and in a way I can't even put my finger on WHAT it is exactly that there is to discuss.

I think for us we have gradually lost respect for one another and I don't know how to get it back Click here to enlarge

Cath
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