This is in a long series of defiant behavior. She is telling us she won't do things (like clean her room). She is calling me names in public. This is not acceptable behavior to me. I am not interested in corporal punishment, although I did spank her this morning. I asked dh to come home early today (so he is home when I bring her home from school) so we can talk to her. I know that I need to make it clear that it is unacceptable to pee on the floor of her bedroom, but I need to find out why she thinks she needs to do this. What are some of the things we should talk to her about this afternoon?

Are you newely sober? Has your "roll" in her life changed are you being a better more involved parent then she is used to? She may just be testing you commitment to staying sober and involved.

I'm with Maziwa on this, if things, or anything, has changed lately, your dd may be acting out due to that.

My dh deploys a lot in the military and I am always ready for the curve balls they kids throw at me when he leaves AND returns. It's usually somethign that takes me by surprise.

Not knowing anything about your situation and your past, but from another post I take it you have had some issues with substance abuse in the past - kids pick up on this, obviously. If it's not totally out of the ballpark, mabye some family therapy might help, get some new family dynamic going.

Definitely don't resort to spanking. If she's never been spanked in her life, it's only going to make things worse as she acts out not only to changing family dynamics but to a new and painful form of discipline.

Spanking is never a good idea, IMO, but could prove to be extremely detrimental to this situation.

I agree with Barbie about the family therapy. Talk to her ped to rule out anything physical, then find her a counselor.

Good luck. I can't imagine that this type of transition is easy for any family.

Are you sure the peeing was intentional? Sometimes kids that old have accidents as well.

Hope you get it figured out soon.

Good point on the accident. Last year when my DD was 7 she wet her bed one night, after years of being potty trained I asked her if she was in pain, thinking bladder infection but she said no pain. That day, she had an accident on the way to the bathroom, in the hallway. I took her to the dr and she did have a bladder infection, she just really didn't understand the symptoms, being a kid and all - the really urgent need to go, etc. So it might really have been an accident. Or too much to drink and not fast enough to the toilet or something.

My 6 yo peed the bed a few months ago. He was deeply asleep and just did. He had not had a bed-wetting accident since he was 2.5 yo and was training.

Spanking IS corporal punishment, so you did cross that line.

I strongly recommend that you seek family counseling, and possibly individual counseling for you and her. If she's truly oppositional, it needs to be addressed therapeutically immediately. If you're resorting to spanking, you need to learn some new parenting techniques.

Get dry and stop spanking your kid, DIPSHIT.

Honey, this is the support board. I did not post this on the regular forums because I don't need to be called a DIPSHIT. (I call myself enough names..trust me) I have been sober for over 30 days. I go to AA meetings almost every day and have a sponsor. I did not spank her for peeing on the floor! I had not found out that she peed on the floor until after I spanked her. I stopped spanking my children as a general rule...about 6 months ago. I made a mistake and we talked about my mistake. I found out why she peed on the floor..and as a typical alcoholic does..I thought it was about me..it was not.

It was an accident. I tried to talk to her, but my hubby talked to her after I had left the room and she talked to him about it. I need to listen more and talk less. I'm learning. I'm very good at disconnecting. It's one of my character defaults. I'll get there.

I try to take into account all the other things going on and how those are affecting my childrens and families behaviors.

Compassion is a tool you might want to use sometimes WAX, especially if you are on this board. Empathy is a good one too. But for the grace of God go I.

Just remember Carol, take what works, leave the rest. That applies to support forums as well.

Oh I didn't take WAX's post personal..I was just trying to tip her off about what forum she was in, and what is appropriate. If I had posted in the debate forum I would have been asking to be slammed.

WAX's issues...are just that...her issues. Everyone has an opinion..just like an ass****.

I think Wax is best ignored anyhow. She is crabby and would do best not getting extra attention, kind of like a foul mouthed toddler.

I bet she knows exactly where she is, and I bet equaly she does not care.

Do you only do AA meetings?

Knock it off. You don't have to be all kissy, lovely, huggy in the support forums but you can't be a complete asshole either.

It probably has to do a lot with your new sobriety.

I was 15 when my mom got sober. Until that point, I parented and was a very good kid. After she started going to meetings, she wanted to be the parent, and it pissed me off to no end.
I suddenly had rules where there had never been any before.

So, I began rebelling. Not peeing on the floor, mind you, but finding other ways to take back the control I had before.

As far as the post that asks if you "only" go to AA meetings, that makes no sense to me. If you are working your program, what else are you supposed to be doing?
Don't let people here--or in the rooms-- try to take your inventory

Why don't you shut the fuck up??? She knew what my question was. It wasn't about what else does she do to keep sober. It was do you do other meetings, such as CA or NA.

It didn't say that, queef.

Are you sure that she knew that's what you meant? You do have a tendency to ASSume that you are comprehensive in your posts. However, you leave quite a bit open to interpretation.

I think a better question would have been "Is AA the only 12 step program you are working right now?"

It seems as though you might know a little about the program. Therefore, one would think that you would know that it's advised in early sobriety (as in the OPs case) that you NOT cross-attend. Once it appears you are on some solid ground, it's then seen as beneficial.

Honestly, this isn't my OP, but you need to settle down when you get out of the ME.

I don't need to settle anything down. I am sick of you always ASSuming you know what I am talking about. The question wasn't addressed to you or anybody else except for the OP. You have something to say no matter where I post or what I post. You thought because the OP didn't response on the thread that I was being a bitch. I am not like you, I am not trying to cut people down when they are looking for some support. I will try and help them where ever I can, especially when I can relate. I have already talked to the OP about this, which is how I know she knows what I meant.

Where did you learn that you don't cross attend meetings from? I have never heard that before. Maybe it depends on where you went to get help, or your sponsor. But I know that most people that I talk to, have done the same as I am familiar with. This is 90 meetings in 90days, didn’t matter what kind you went too, as long as you completed them right out of treatment. But I do remember going to AA meetings and the old bitch ladies would get mad because I would just say I was an addict and not an alcoholic or both. But that is a whole other story. But it has been almost 15yrs, so maybe things have changed. In PA they say go to any meetings you can get to. When my father finally decided to go into treatment for alcohol two years ago, when he got out. He ended up going to other meetings besides AA too.

If you have anything else to say to me, do it off this thread. She is looking for some advice, not a fight.

I agree with Big Fat Fanny and MVLM - get some counseling for you and for her. Don't spank her - it won't help and may worsen any issues. Move forward. Best of luck with your sobriety.

Holy crap. You guys got way carried away. I don't normally spank my children. I am a very controlling person (I'm working at not being one...) and I feel so out of control when I spank them. I don't believe in spanking children as a general rule.

Counseling is our next venture. Wrkngmom23 did contact me personally so I do know what she meant.