Daughter doesn't give a damn - Sybermoms Parenting Forum
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-27-2007, 09:53 AM Thread Starter
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Daughter doesn't give a damn

I raised my daughter on my own. No family to help me and no support from her father. I was with her 24/7 without a break and even during breast cancer discharged myelf from hospital because she couldn't cope alone. Got her thru University, gave her all the support she wanted and needed and assured her she was beautiful, loved and special.

She met a boyfriend from 10 yrs ago and within 3 months moved to another country to live with him. I am as pleased as can be, he is great and spoils her and intends to marry her soon.

Problem is, I moved half way around the world because she said they would move here in 2 yrs and she wanted to live near me and it would be easier, for me, to visit her, from where I am.

Then announces, they won't move here, because her boyfriend will miss his family. His parents are 45 yrs old. They have an extended family who all care for each other.

All I hear from my daughter is how much care, financial support and help her boyfriend gives to his mother and brother. She never asks how I am, how I am coping living alone and doesn't want to know, if I'm down for a while.

She is always making these generous offers, which never eventuate, it's all talk. I am 60 and in a few years I probably won't be able to work. I have very little savings after being a single mother. Now my daughter tells me they will take care of me and I can return to the country we came from to get a pension and they will move there too in a few years. In the next breathe, she tells me, that her boyfriend wants to keep his current job for a few years and travel for a few years after that.

It absolutely kills me to see my sisters and friends, with their daughters around them, visiting almost every day to make sure their mom is OK, involving their mom in their lives, caring and giving to them.

My daughter visited me when I first got here and was living in one room in a dump of a flat, because it was cheap, until I found a job. She offered to help me get somewhere better until I got work, until her boyfriend told her they couldn't do it. My daughter earns reasonable money and her boyfriend is on an excellent salary.

Yet all I hear is, the large sums of money spent on his mother who is an alcoholic and his brother who won't work.

I really wonder, how is it, that if you stand by your kids and support them, that you end up with the least consideration or help. I truly believe, that my daughter will not help me as I age and prefers that I am at a distance so that she does not have to witness the needs I will have at that time, and continue to make false promises. I am really hurt and angry with her and don't know how to get past it. Stupidmom
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-27-2007, 10:37 AM
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stupidmom, how old is your daughter? If she's over 18 or so, I think it is time to detach and understand that she is an adult who can make her own choices at this point.

The best gift we can give our children are roots and wings. Roots when they are young, to help them feel secure and loved and to teach them right from wrong. Wings so they can fly and be their own people when they grow up. Another gift we can give them is having our own identities and lives so we are not a burden to them in our old age.

I am sorry you are hurting right now, and by all means feel free to vent (I'm assuming you have another name here and you don't feel like posting under it now). In the meantime, your resentment and anger isn't doing YOU any good. A good therapist could help you with that.

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-27-2007, 10:43 AM
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-30-2007, 12:51 PM
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Seriously, you have raised her to ask for anything she needs and have changed your whole life (including risking yours in leaving the care of your doctor) because your daughter could not cope.
Do you really expect that she will change her neediness now? You have taught her that it is all about her and when she acts like it is all about her you wonder when she is going to see the light.

It is time for you to see the light, you need to make it all about you. These are your golden years. Do what you want and stop following her around so that you are availiable when she needs you. Move where you want and live where you want. Get a job you love and do things that make you happy. If you are waiting for her to be the daugther you think she should be you are going to be waiting forever. Just hope that by the time she has kids that she remembers what a selfless mom you were. It may balance out your complete martyrdom of motherhood and her complete narssistic approach to life and land somewhere in the middle. Your grandkids might have a chance. Sorry, but you daughter is a louse.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-30-2007, 04:25 PM
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You didn't do anything wrong nor are you the cause of her detachment. She is in love and her priorities have changed.

I believe that any person who chooses to bring a child into the world should exhaust themselves to do what is right for that innocent. And you did that. It's a huge accomplishment. Now it's your turn to live for yourself.

This can a fantastic time for you if you want to view it that way. YOU can go to college. You can work weird hours. You can volunteer and meet other generous people.

What should be a freedom has turned to a prison for you. You expect something back. It's natural. I would even say that it's moral to repay a parent. But our culture doesn't lend to that belief and your child is a part of this culture.

If you feel like you must lay it on the table, then do so. Tell her that you resent the attention and support that the other family is receiving. Tell her that you are dissappointed by her selfishness. If she's an adult, then she can hear the consequences of her decisions.

Then prepare to cut the cord. Many, many young women have a time of seperation from their mothers as they find their place in the world. If you keep the door open, she'll probably find her way back. I wasn't able to appreciate my mother until I stood in her shoes. But she has to follow the path that you set her on and that won't always include you.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 10-31-2007, 02:15 PM
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 11-01-2007, 08:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MIZ
stupidmom, how old is your daughter? If she's over 18 or so, I think it is time to detach and understand that she is an adult who can make her own choices at this point.

The best gift we can give our children are roots and wings. Roots when they are young, to help them feel secure and loved and to teach them right from wrong. Wings so they can fly and be their own people when they grow up. Another gift we can give them is having our own identities and lives so we are not a burden to them in our old age.

I am sorry you are hurting right now, and by all means feel free to vent (I'm assuming you have another name here and you don't feel like posting under it now). In the meantime, your resentment and anger isn't doing YOU any good. A good therapist could help you with that.
I totally agree with this. As much as it feels like your daughter owes you something, she doesn't. I hope my kids never feel like they 'owe' me something. You chose to have her, you chose to make the sacrifices, as any parent should. But to live your life expecting a payback is just wrong. It really is.
I understand the way you feel, because she sounds like she isn't being thoughtful, but you kind of raised her to expect that everyone will 'do' for her instead of the other way around.

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