Dealing with ultimatums - Sybermoms Parenting Forum
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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-17-2010, 01:13 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Dealing with ultimatums

Just looking for some advice. I'm a working parent, my spouse stays at home with our daughter. She is in chronic pain so I end up doing 90% of the cooking and cleaning. Yet I get bitched at for not doing enough and it's gotten to the point where I'm getting ultimatums to step it up or she's taking the kid and leaving. I've heard for decades it's not healthy to stay together for the kids but I don't know what to do. I go to work before she leaves for school and get home after she's back, there's no way for me to do it alone and I don't make enough for daycare. So we've been trying to make it work. On top of that it's been years since any form of physical affection, let alone coitus of any kind, has been a regular occurance. Sometimes it's better and she can be emotionally supportive when she wants to be. What should I do?
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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-18-2010, 11:44 AM
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what have you been trying, to make it work?



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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-18-2010, 10:08 PM Thread Starter
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You know, that's a really interesting twist in my thought process. I assume you mean what am I doing other than all the stuff I mentioned as exposition. I have trouble just keeping up with the cooking and cleaning in the few hours I get between coming home from work and going to bed. We watch TV together and we sometimes listen to audio books together. I try to bring her flowers and candy and other stuff she likes when we can afford it, but that's not very often. I feel like I'm putting in 90% of the work to make our relationship and our family function. There's probably a way to work smarter, not harder but I'm not really very creative and because we were high school sweethearts so I don't have much in the way of experience to draw from to fix our relationship.
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-19-2010, 04:01 AM
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Dealing with ultimatums

Where would she take the kids and go to? It doesn't sound like she has many options available to her.
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-19-2010, 04:14 AM
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Dealing with ultimatums

If everything you're saying is true, tell her this isn't 1985, mom doesn't automatically get custody, and that you'll file if she wants.

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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-19-2010, 05:56 AM Thread Starter
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I'm not really sure where she'd go, probably to her Mom's house. She can't support herself. She had a work at home job a couple years ago doing arts and craft projects that ended up doing most of the work on, once I got fed up with that and told her it was her job, not mine, she got fired because she wasn't doing anything. I also paid for her to go to vocational school but she dropped out a couple weeks before graduation. I know it's not 1985 any more, but she's so confident that she'll get our daughter I have to stop and wonder what ace she has up her sleeve, because she's not stupid.
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-19-2010, 06:36 AM
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Courts aren't stupid either though. If she is in chronic pain and cannot take care of your child, that is something the courts will look at.

Have you talked to her about the way you feel? You sound frustrated. I would get bitter quickly if things stayed status quo.
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-19-2010, 06:47 AM
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Do you think that if you guys separated for a while that you both would become better able to negotiate a peacable solution? Given her physical situation, you could tell your daughter that your wife is going to her mom's b/c you're having trouble caring for her while working and keeping the house, too. And then you could have your daughter on the weekends and have some time to enjoy one another and maybe spend some time together as a family where you can enjoy each other instead of having to fight about housework.

I have no idea if this is a viable option. Just throwing it out there for consideration.
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-19-2010, 06:52 AM
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Wow, that is some great advice LC. I hadn't thought about that.

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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-19-2010, 10:14 AM
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This is weird to ask, but are you a man or woman? If you are male, then don't base your decision on "losing" custody of your daughter. Fathers are as entitled to custody as mothers, especially if the mother is unable to care for her.

If you are a female, is the child biologically yours? If not, then I would proceed with caution and try to save the relationship at all costs since the courts put most of the weight on biology, which is stupid.

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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-19-2010, 05:57 PM
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What about her medical care? If she is in chronic pain is she seeing a doctor? There are things that physicians can do to help people live productive lives, even with painful conditions. My husband is in chronic pain and he sees a doctor. The treatments and occasional medications have allowed him to continue to work, and many other things. Click here to enlarge
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-19-2010, 05:59 PM Thread Starter
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I am a man. So biology isn't an issue.

I wish sepperating for a while was feasible but we're 1000+ miles from the nearest relative. Unfortunately she doesn't really have any friends she could stay with for a while either. She's always been a bit anti-social but with the chronic pain it's hard for her to even get out of the house unless its a necessity, so she doesn't have much hope of meeting anyone local in the near future either. I wish I made enough money that I could put one of us up in a motel for a week or two to see if that fixes anything.

Yeah, its easy to be bitter but its just too much energy I'm not willing to waste in an unproductive manner. I used to be bitter, now I'm just tired. Its taken years to get to the situation we're in, as her pain has increased I've had to cowboy up and carry the burden. I've been hoping that the changes I've been making (taking on additional chores so the house doesn't go to hell in a handbasket) would produce new results but I've realized that I haven't been changing, I'm taking up the slack, like I've always taken up the slack...theres just more slack now. I know that to get a different result I'm going to have to do something different, but God help me I have no fucking idea what the right thing to do is.
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-20-2010, 02:04 PM
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Have either or both of you been to see a counselor?
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-20-2010, 09:38 PM Thread Starter
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No, no counselling. We've talked about it. She thinks I need individual therapy before we get couples therapy. I haven't been able to find a therapist who works with my work schedule. Apparently a doctorate degree means you don't have to work weekends.
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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-20-2010, 10:03 PM
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You don't need to see an MD, try a LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker). I would look for one that is in a small practice.
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post #16 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-21-2010, 07:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thatsit View Post
You don't need to see an MD, try a LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker). I would look for one that is in a small practice.
A PhD is a doctorate, as are many other degrees. But, it is correct that you can see someone else without a doctorate for counseling. Look in the phone book under counselors or therapists or check your insurance website.
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post #17 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-21-2010, 07:55 PM
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Ya, what she said. Sheesh. Thank you Twinklestars.
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post #18 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-25-2010, 01:07 PM
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I'd try counseling as suggested above. But giving ultimatums about your child when you're providing the support is borderline intolerable. I hope your situation improves.
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post #19 of 19 (permalink) Old 10-26-2010, 06:31 PM
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What kind of chronic pain does she have? Are you questioning the fact that she has real pain? Can she file for disability? Would that make it possible for you to hire someone to come in and do the housework so you don't have to fight?

Sex with a spouse that has chronic pain is not always easy for anyone. Do you feel like she is withholding sex because it hurts her, or because she doesn't want to have sex with you? It seems like there would be different approach depending on your answer.
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