Join Date: May 2002
Location: like Siberia, but with better restaurants
Grace, I would encourage you to take it one day at a time with the older brother. Don't keep him out of guilt, but don't send him away out of fear, either -- you've already seen that gentleness and regular meals make a significant difference in his behavior.
Do you have friends locally who can help you find the resources near you? You may have options including financial support from the state to help you with the kids (foster parents are paid; I'm not sure about family placements, but especially if you're near the financial edge anyway there may be some help for you), respite care, and support for dealing with the older kid's needs.
If you had set out to become a foster parent, there would have been training and support and you wouldn't be dumped in at the deep end. Also, you would be asked in advance about the situations you thought you could handle (or not), they don't hand off violent non-verbal children to people who say up front, "I can't cope with this." (In fact, a lot of kids with severe behavioral problems would go for some inpatient treatment where they would get diagnosed and given medication and that would not happen while they were in a home.)
Anyway, it sounds like your concerns about Thor's mom were pretty thoroughly vindicated. I'm glad he's mostly been with you, and I'm sorry your son is a shitty father. It happens -- you're certainly not the first SM to raise a grandchild, and I'm sure you will not be the last.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy.