I need some brutally honest objectivity here - Sybermoms Parenting Forum
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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2014, 05:50 AM Thread Starter
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I need some brutally honest objectivity here

Yes, I know it is a support forum, but I am asking anyone who is wiling to-to help me process this

I totaled my car a little over a week ago and so I have an insurance check coming to me (the Subaru is mine in the divorce). I will purchase another car with that check and register it etc. The ex has asked for 1,000 of it to help put a dent in his credit card debt (marital debt). His wording when he asked for the money was his typical manipulative behavior (I put the repairs for the car on the credit card, blah blah blah) before we left Milwaukee. I don't want to play. I want to tell him to fuck off. But I don't want to do to anyone what he did to me. After the accident he ignored my pleas for help, he repeatedly ignores my texts unless it would benefit him.

He has property he can sell for that money. He would need my permission but those items are not necessities, guns, motorcycles, etc. I barely have the necessities. I am serious. My shampoo is a donation. Many of the clothes I am wearing were donated. I screwed up by shoving pills down my throat and endangering my family but I cannot change the past and if I allow that to color the reason why I do or don't give him the money I am not making the right decision either.

I cannot afford a lawyer but with some of that money I may be able to access some legal advice. If I do say no he will punish me for it, not in outward ways but the way he talks about me to our children and to my family. Even if I did give him the money he could still continue to do that. It sounds like blackmail to me.


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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2014, 07:06 AM
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Do not give him one dime of that money, you cannot afford to. Get yourself a reliable car, and anything you might have left over can go to your personal necessities. He is in a much better place than you financially. Much!
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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2014, 07:14 AM
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I wouldn't give him any money. By the way, , are you okay after the accident? We're you hurt?
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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2014, 07:22 AM
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Oh, and you may not have noticed, but there is no such thing as a support forum here anymore.
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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2014, 07:43 AM Thread Starter
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I was hurt. I can't work until I get my glasses today. A person who barely knows me helped me find an affordable place to get them.

A minor concussion was suspected, but I couldn't spend one more minute in the ER to confirm it with a CT because I had a panic attack. I can't take anxiety meds (even Benedryl and it's cousins are not allowed here) so I just watched it for a week.

I had a cut on my head and my neck was sore for a few days but I'm doing better now.

I see the VA doc tomorrow so I'll be asking them for an evaluation there too.

The people in the house and in the meetings have been very helpful. We have a few medical professionals in there that answered generalized questions so that was nice.


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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2014, 08:58 AM
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If the car is 100% yours, then you owe him nothing. Say no.
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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2014, 09:40 AM
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You owe him nothing. Does he have an attorney? Do not give him a dime unless you are court ordered to give him money.

He can say whatever he wants to your kids about you, but your actions will always speak louder than words. Be supportive to your kids, tell them te truth and that you are trying to get better and they'll understand in the long run.

Kelp focusing on your recovery.

Comparison is the thief of joy-Theodore Roosevelt
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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2014, 09:55 AM
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Since you want to keep the peace, try just being honest. You can't afford to help pay off the debt until you can support yourself. That you're not unwilling to help since you helped incur the debt, but
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post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2014, 09:55 AM
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When my brother was going through a contentious divorce he was trying to take the high road and accommodate his ex when she needed child support a few days early or if she needed visitation days switched, etc. she did not reciprocate and it ended up causing problems and fights so his lawyer told him it was best to just stick to the letter of the law and not make little adjustments and exceptions. So my advice would be, if the credit card is his debt, let him pay it. If the judge in your divorce thinks you owe him for car repairs that will be ordered. Until then, don't worry about it.
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post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2014, 09:55 AM
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You're not in a position to do it now.
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post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2014, 11:39 AM
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Keep your money, he hasnt exactly been doing anything to help you. You arent in a place to give money away unless you are court ordered.

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post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2014, 11:55 AM
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Actually, don't put any promises or admissions of responsibility in writing. Just tell him you understand that he needs help, but you're just not able to help now.
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post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2014, 02:02 PM
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Do not give him anything you are not legally required to give him.


“I don’t know why we don’t create some sort of system where we could train [Syrian refugees] to then go back to their own country and then fight for that country. Doesn’t somebody have to stay in the Middle East and make the Middle East a better place to live?”

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post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2014, 02:09 PM
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If that's your car, then fuck him. If the car hadn't been totaled and needed repairs, I doubt he'd give you $1000 to repair it.
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post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2014, 02:17 PM
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Originally Posted by LaughingCow View Post
Oh, and you may not have noticed, but there is no such thing as a support forum here anymore.
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“I don’t know why we don’t create some sort of system where we could train [Syrian refugees] to then go back to their own country and then fight for that country. Doesn’t somebody have to stay in the Middle East and make the Middle East a better place to live?”

Bill Maher
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post #16 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2014, 03:58 PM
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Do not give him anything you are not legally required to give him.
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post #17 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2014, 04:02 PM
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Nope, I wouldn't give it to him, unless there is language in your divorce decree that says you have to. And, clearly there isn't.
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post #18 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2014, 04:23 PM
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Is there a women's shelter close to you where you could get some free legal advice? I wouldn't give him anything right now. Tell him you give him permission to sell a motorcycle to pay down the debt.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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post #19 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2014, 07:03 PM
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I agree, do not give him the money. You're not in a position to do so. He's asking you for money to pay off a credit card while you're living off of the genrosity of others as you get back on your feet.

Do not let him manipulate you into thinking you are leaving him high and dry on his own. That is not the case.

Use this money for you-to get a car, for legal help, and other things you need.

Look back at how he's taken advantage of you, especially with the divorce and custody. He doesn't need you to do this, he has other options, but he'd rather take advantage of you instead.

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post #20 of 29 (permalink) Old 03-02-2014, 08:03 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by polarchick View Post
Is there a women's shelter close to you where you could get some free legal advice? I wouldn't give him anything right now. Tell him you give him permission to sell a motorcycle to pay down the debt.

This is my plan. I just wanted to make sure my "fuck you" said nicely was approved by the SM's as a whole.

I wasn't asking for legal advice, just a reality check.


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