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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-08-2003, 08:18 AM
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update on my dh

I'm going to get a cord tie thingy from BRU. Thanks for the suggestion. dh came home late last night and I was upset because he never calls me to tell me when he will be home. He was supposed to bring home a pizza (ds loves pizza and wednesdays are family pizza night). Since he usually picks it up on the way home, I called and asked when he will be getting done with work (He just started a new job a few weeks ago and has very unpredictable hours). ds was getting very hungry/tired/fussy. I didn't know whether to wait for the pizza or whip something up for ds. I called him 3 times and got no answer on his cell. When he called me back, he told me he had just picked up the pizza and would be home in a minute. We ate, ds went to bed, dh drank 3 beers (which he picked up while getting pizza) and was getting ready to go to sleep. dh doesn't really drink much at all. He told me that he bought the beer so he could fall asleep so he doesn't have to argue with me. We made up, and I told him that he can't drown in his sorrows. If he has issues, he needs to speak about them. If he drinks his problems away, it is going to end up hurting us more. I asked him this morning if he would please not drink just so he could avoid me, and he agreed. He also told me that the day he left the note for me on the door, he was actually going to leave and stay at his office...indefinately. The only reason he came home was because he heard my hysterical message and felt bad for me. He assured me last night that he was in it for the long haul and he loved me. I think it is some sort of mid-life crisis. He said that he has a lot of issues in his head to work out.

I swear to God I did not know there was anything wrong with our relationship until Sunday afternoon. It just seems to be getting worse and worse.

Well, I did call the church this morning where we were married and left a message to see if they had any kind of counseling service or if the could refer me to somewhere else. It is so obvious that we need intervention. I can't live like this much longer. Thanks to everyone for the support. Please keep us in your thoughts.
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-08-2003, 08:33 AM
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I'm sorry you and dh are going through this. When a marriage hits a bumpy patch, it's hard to think about anything else.

Counseling is definetly a must in this situation. He's been seriously considering seperation, without telling you why, beyond needing to work things out in his head. That's a huge red flag. People that won't talk about the things that are bothering them, using the 'work it out for myself first' line of reasoning are not hearing other's POVs. The only conclusion they can come to is what they've worked out, and chances are it will be a self-serving solution.

I would calmly tell him that he has to open up to you, because it's now or never time. If he feels more comfortable doing it in counseling, where there's a 'referee', then make the appointment [b]now[/b[. If he does open up and tell you what's bothering him, be prepared to hear things about yourself that you won't like at all. Don't go on the defensive, and don't argue with him. He'll just clam up again. When he's gone through his list, ask him what you can do to make things better, within reason.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-08-2003, 08:47 AM
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Originally posted by calumet
He's been seriously considering seperation, without telling you why, beyond needing to work things out in his head. That's a huge red flag. People that won't talk about the things that are bothering them, using the 'work it out for myself first' line of reasoning are not hearing other's POVs. The only conclusion they can come to is what they've worked out, and chances are it will be a self-serving solution.
Click here to enlarge with the above. My ex-DH did the same thing. Came to me out of the blue (in my mind) and told me he thought he had to move out to "clear things up". A myriad of reasons followed. He refused to consider counseling, I cried and asked what I could do to make him not do such a thing - nothing worked - he had made up his mind that he needed to move out and that was it. Long story short - and I'm not saying this is your situation at all - he wanted to move out so he could fool around with another woman and 'see where that went', basically he figured the grass was greener with someone else, but didn't have the balls to completely sever our relationship. He wanted me as a backup plan. I was in limbo for 5 agonizing months before I told him to basically move back in, agree to counseling or I was filing for divorce. I have been divorced now for over 2 years Click here to enlarge It was a very difficult time for me, and I still have moments of resentment against him because of his unbelievable selfishness. Oddly enough though, my son and I are much happier in our daily life now than we were before. It is hard at times, because I do feel bad that my son's father is not "there" for him, but honestly, he wasn't there for him when we were married so....

Anway! I know I don't know you, but I have you and your family in my thoughts and prayers, I hope your situation works out the best for you and your children. Click here to enlarge
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-08-2003, 08:52 AM
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dh does love our ds so much. When dh was leaving for work this morning, ds ran up to him giggling and put up his arms to be picked up. He cuddled with Daddy for a couple of minutes before he left.

Well on a better note, dh has agreed to counseling. I talked to him on the phone a little while ago, and he sounded almost enthusiastic about it. Click here to enlarge
post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-08-2003, 09:13 AM
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All I can offer is support. Best of luck with the counselling. And don't be afraid to shop around for a counselor, it can take time to find someone you and your dh are comfortable wiht.
post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-08-2003, 10:59 AM
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I'm so sorry you and your dh are having problems.

A few years ago I was in a very similar situation. It was almost like my dh was having a mid-life crisis, but he was only 24 at the time. A seperation, counseling, a TON of communication between us and time has made a huge difference in our marriage. In fact, our marriage is stronger now than it ever was before. I hope the same for you. Good luck!
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-08-2003, 11:37 AM
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Best of luck to you. My ex refused counseling and obviously he is now my ex. I'm glad he's willing and enthusiastic! That's a great start for rebuilding your relationship.

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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 05-08-2003, 12:35 PM
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I *hate* to say that but I think you have the right to consider this and check it out: is it possible he is having an affair? This is something I would look into if I were you. I used to be a divorce attorney and his behavior is typical of a spouse that's having an extra-marital affair.
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