Was this Fair? - Sybermoms Parenting Forum
General Parenting Need answers to your questions? Don't know where to go for support? Here's your place, we know all the answers and can help you with the most generic of problems.

 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-18-2004, 09:12 PM Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 1,937
 
Was this Fair?

My DS who is 7 had a rough day. Well maybe I had the rough day? Click here to enlarge

We were getting ready to go get something to eat and some icecream. I called and called him to come home. He never showed up.

So I went to go look for him, when he walks out from behind the neighbors house, covered from head to toe in mud. I mean it was in his ears, caked in globs on his head, etc.

I was fit to be tied. He knows better. One of the kids, who also had mud spatters said they had a mud war. Click here to enlarge

We tried and tried to find out what happened. My ds made it sound like he was ganged up on and two older kids were picking on him.

We talked to the neighbor and they said he was just sitting in the mud hole.

Well he ended up being grounded for a week.

We did go out to eat. He refused to go up to the counter and ask for his free treat at DQ. He kepted saying he was scared. We were only 10 ft from the counter. All he had to do was had the lady his coin and ask for a vanilla cone.

Well for about 15 mintues he fussed and whined about going up to the counter.

By this time, we were all done with our icecream.

We finally decided if he couldn't ask for it himself he wasn't getting it.

Were we to harsh?

He has a hard time talking to other people and refuses to do things for himself.
Tankerwife is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-18-2004, 09:18 PM
Registered User
Unsupportive Freeloader
 
Big Lots Quacker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 6,876
 
I have a hard time answering this one.

I was terribly shy and didn't want to do anything as a child. I remember one tramatic event. I was like 14 and my dad wanted to pay for bread at the store. I freaked out and he got mad and we went home, without the bread. I still remember that and how scared I was to simply go voer and pay for the bread. I don't think he handled it the right way b/c he got mad at me.

At the same time I wish my parents had made me do more so I would have been more independant. I have gotten a lot better since having kids but there was a time I wouldn't even go in a store without dh. I had panic attacks thinking about it.

Sorry no real advice just my experience.

I am sure there is a way to help him be more sufficient without making it worse or making him feel like a baby. I am not saying you did but my dad did that day. I think it was the dissapointment that got me, but it still didn't make me go pay for the breadClick here to enlarge.
Big Lots Quacker is offline  
post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-19-2004, 05:04 AM
Registered User
Unsupportive Freeloader
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Sydney
Posts: 2,895
           
I personally think that you were too harsh.Click here to enlarge Why didn't you just order the ice-cream for him?

Some kids are just shy and don't want to do things like that. I have one child who would, and one who just doesn't want to.

I also would not even entertain the thought of grounding a 7y.o. Even though he may of known better, perhaps he WAS being bullied or egged on. Your neighbour may also not be telling the truth, if it was his/her son that was egging/bullying your son.

I have a motto and that is always to believe your children, unless they have a track record of lying. It sounds from your post as though this incident was out of character for your son. Perhaps there was something that happened that he was reluctant to talk to you about.
Becca is offline  
post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-19-2004, 08:11 AM
Wayward Wombat
Hard-Core Sybermom
 
tiddlywink's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 17,660
           
IMO, you were too harsh.
I was an extremely extremely shy child. It would not have helped me any if my mom were to have done what you did. It would have made me ashamed of myself, thus exacerbating the shyness. My mom occassionally scolded me about my shyness (because let's face it, shy can come across as rude) and it ripped me apart inside.
Having said that, don't lose sleep over it or anything, just don't make that your standard parenting for a shy kid.

800 miles in 2015
336/800
tiddlywink is offline  
post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-19-2004, 10:29 AM
Wayward Wombat
Hard-Core Sybermom
 
WriterMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 9,915
        
Quote:
Originally posted by tiddlywink
IMO, you were too harsh.
I was an extremely extremely shy child. It would not have helped me any if my mom were to have done what you did. It would have made me ashamed of myself, thus exacerbating the shyness. My mom occassionally scolded me about my shyness (because let's face it, shy can come across as rude) and it ripped me apart inside.
Having said that, don't lose sleep over it or anything, just don't make that your standard parenting for a shy kid.
Click here to enlarge
WriterMom is offline  
post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-19-2004, 12:00 PM
mab
What kind of clothes do you suppose would be worn by a man with a mole on his nose?
Hard-Core Sybermom
 
mab's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: West Xylophone
Posts: 33,996
           
Too harsh. Shyness can be debilitating, and he was punished for it. He can't help being shy.

Find me on facebook - KHW.
mab is offline  
post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-19-2004, 01:59 PM
Alisa
Ambulance Chaser
 
Posts: n/a
As for the mud incident.. Well, they say there are three sides to everyting. Your side, my side, and the truth.

Kids can misunderstand things or read something into a situation that just isn't there. He could be fully convinced he was being bullied, the other kids might have done nothing "wrong" in their own mind. I remember that as a kid, I often thought someone had been teasing me with whatever "innocent" comment. My point being: your son may in his own mind think he was bullied. You can't know for sure. Ergo, I think the grounding was uncalled for.

Moving on to the ice cream.. I was also a bit of a shy kid, and can understand how the situation felt for him. If he was a bit nervous about it, pushing him probably just made him more nervous. Oh, I remember situations as a kid where I where I would have to confront lots of people in order to get that piece of cake.. Being a kid, I really, really wanted cake too.. Click here to enlarge To an adult it's just being silly, but for a kid is it as serious as the grave.

I think a good alternative would be to go with him to the counter, and ordering the ice cream for him.
post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-25-2004, 12:04 AM
Unsupportive Freeloader
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 1,562
 
I was also very shy as a child and would either have my parents order things for me (buy movie tickets etc) or one of my sisters would do it for me! LOL! It was just the way it was in my house...so yes, I think it was harsh to not let him have the ice cream when he wouldn't order it himself.

As for the mud...a week grounded? I think that's extreme. I also don't use groundings as a punishment, so I have a hard time understanding grounding a small child. I see groundings as something for an older child.

I agree with the person that said the truth about what happened with the mud is somewhere in between what your child said and what the nieghbor said.

I remember getting SO dirty outside playing growing up...it was just something that happened. Maybe he is responsible for getting his clothes into a bucket or has to wear those clothes or other 'play clothes' when he plays in the neighborhood so he doesn't ruin any other clothing.
Oregano is offline  
post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-26-2004, 08:11 PM
DIRRRRTY
Unsupportive Freeloader
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 1,078
 
You were way too harsh. I don't even know what is punishment-worthy in your story. Like others have said, shyness is a trait. He is not being shy "on purpose." It's part of his personality. It sounds like he's an introvert... a person who needs time alone to recharge his energy, who becomes overwhelmed by lots of social interaction, who expels a lot of energy in social interactions and therefore tries to minimize such interactions. Introverts are not anti-social, by the way. (I am a strong introvert, and to this day, at 29 years old, I HATE calling-in take-out orders. I'll do it, but I'd really rather someone else do it. I just have a hard time during social interactions with strangers and acquaintances that I don't know well.)

It is common for extraverted parents to try pushing their introverted child into being more extraverted. Bad approach. It humiliated the child and causes resentment.

You might borrow a copy of "Raising Your Spirited Child." I say "borrow" because your son may not necessarily fit into the "spirited" category. Only you know whether he does, and if he does, then you should read the whole book. :-) But either way, there is a GREAT chapter about understanding introverts and extraverts, and how you can help them cope with daily situations.
sage is offline  
post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-27-2004, 10:08 AM
Registered User
Unsupportive Freeloader
 
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 38,889
           
Mud is fun. If I were 7 and had the opportunity, I'd be splashing in the mud as well. I don't understand why that was a big deal. If your kids aren't dirty at the end of the day, they're not having enough fun IMO.

As for the ice cream, you turned something that should have been easy and fun into a big family drama. That's awful. If your kid doesn't want to order his own treat, well, that's part of being a somewhat shy kid. Why take a stand on something so small and unimportant? Pick your battles.
Pseudonymph is offline  
post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-27-2004, 10:25 AM
Heels
Ambulance Chaser
 
Posts: n/a
Quote:
Originally posted by Pseudonymph
As for the ice cream, you turned something that should have been easy and fun into a big family drama. That's awful. If your kid doesn't want to order his own treat, well, that's part of being a somewhat shy kid. Why take a stand on something so small and unimportant? Pick your battles.
You should be on his side. He wasn't flunking a school asst by refusing to stand before the class and recite the Gettysburg address, for heaven's sake.

This is kind of sad, actually.
post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-27-2004, 04:32 PM
Registered User
Unsupportive Freeloader
 
MSRX's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,986
           
Send a message via AIM to MSRX Send a message via Yahoo to MSRX
I'm not sure what the big deal was about making him want to go get his own cone. He's only 7. Really, the ability to shop and converse with store clerks is not something commonly done at 7. If it were my kid, I wouldn't have even asked him to do that. I wouldn't do anything to encourage my children to talk to strangers, even store clerks.

As for the mud, grounding for a week sounds pretty extreme. Where were you at when this was happening? 7-year-olds need to be supervised, and for him to get that muddy, he must have been alone for awhile. I probably would have just said that we didn't have time to get ice cream, since he'd have to take a bath and get cleaned up for the mud. And then drop it after that.
MSRX is offline  
post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-27-2004, 04:56 PM
Unsupportive Freeloader
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 21,825
          
My 7 year old is exactly as you described yours to be. My son is simply not be comfortable going and doing things like that. I would either get it for him and walk with him to the counter.

7 is a very akward age. Their little bodies and minds are going through immense changes and new situations, although they long for the independence of doing it by themselves, are scary to them.
Butchy is offline  
post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-27-2004, 04:58 PM
Unsupportive Freeloader
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 21,825
          
Click here to enlarge not sure what that be is doing in there.
Butchy is offline  
post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-27-2004, 05:39 PM
Registered User
Unsupportive Freeloader
 
Devils Advocate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Missouri
Posts: 30,440
           
Quote:
Originally posted by Becca
I also would not even entertain the thought of grounding a 7y.o. Even though he may of known better, perhaps he WAS being bullied or egged on. Your neighbour may also not be telling the truth, if it was his/her son that was egging/bullying your son.
7 year olds are plenty old enough for grounding. Do you have one, Becca?
Devils Advocate is offline  
post #16 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-27-2004, 07:57 PM
Wayward Wombat
Hard-Core Sybermom
 
Mocha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Westerville Ohio
Posts: 6,685
           
He sounds shy, you could have gotten him his ice cream.

Mocha is offline  
post #17 of 18 (permalink) Old 04-28-2004, 04:26 AM
Unsupportive Freeloader
 
Join Date: May 2002
Posts: 15,789
     
Count me as one who doesn't understand why any of that was punished Click here to enlarge If you really felt he needed to be punished because of the mud, I would have gone with him doing the laundry the next day. Although, unless I have specifically said Do Not Get Filthy, I expect them to get filthy. I expect it when I tell them not to too Click here to enlarge

I agree that 7 is not too old for groundings, if it works. I wouldn't impose a week long grounding though, one day works well around here. Maximum.

The ice cream sounds like a power struggle, and a very silly one at that if I'm being honest. What was the big deal in finding a middle ground? You go up with him but ask that he request the ice cream. Working on him coming out of his shell without throwing him to the sharks.

Short answer, no it wasn't fair.
mouthySCUM is offline  
post #18 of 18 (permalink) Old 05-04-2004, 04:15 PM
Holy crap they actually sat together and smiled
Hard-Core Sybermom
 
Coralblur's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 24,272
           
Send a message via Yahoo to Coralblur
I don't understand the ice cream thing either. DD1 is almost 6 and extremely shy. I wouldn't have pushed it. He has time to learn. The only time I have ever forced my child to talk to a stranger is when she stole a pack of gum and I made her give it back and appologize. That was extremely traumatic for her but I am hoping she'll remember that.

An amazing charity
Please remind your children what to do if their clothing catches fire. It could save their life.
Coralblur is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the Sybermoms Parenting Forum forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself. Do NOT use an AOL email address.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in











Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Linear Mode



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
This is so not fair Spicoli Gestation Station 11 03-02-2007 12:09 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome