Spanking Vs. Timeouts - Sybermoms Parenting Forum
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post #1 of 53 (permalink) Old 01-31-2007, 10:47 AM Thread Starter
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Spanking Vs. Timeouts

Hello my name is Suzan. I am 32 years old and have a 7 year old son named David. I was recently on one of my favorite sites reading an article
http://www.edukey.net/2007/01/24/tim...-naughty-kids/
It seems like everyone says that spanking is wrong and that you shouldn't hit your child. Every time david does something wrong.. timeouts just dont work for him. I give him a slight spank ( not hard) and he wont do what he was doing again . I could use a little advice. I know personally as ac hild, spanking always worked for me. Thank you
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post #2 of 53 (permalink) Old 01-31-2007, 10:54 AM
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Good luck, you're not going to get too many people here promoting spanking. I would recommend trying an alternative to spanking and if time outs aren't working then do something else. You can't spank him until he's an adult, eventually you're going to have to try something else.

It's not a feeling, it's a knowing.

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I'll buck the trend, I don't think her kids are all that in the cute department. not all kids are cute. they have other attributes that make up for that, but look at tweedle's aiden, that is a cute kid. and your kids mel, those are adorable kids. Her's are average. I wouldn't take a second look passing her on the street.
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post #3 of 53 (permalink) Old 01-31-2007, 02:30 PM
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Spanking is wrong. You shouldn't hit your child. Try natural consequences (he refuses to put on a warm coat, he ends up cold when he goes outside. Next time he'll put on the coat and you won't have gotten into a power struggle with him over it), and/or taking away privledges (tv/computer time, etc.)


Even if you do decide to continue spanking him, what are you going to do in a few short years when he's bigger than you and the only way you've been controlling him is through violence?

"Hands that help are far better than lips that pray."

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post #4 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-02-2007, 08:40 PM
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Truth is what works for one child doesn't always work for another. I find it funny that some people's answers are so black and white. Spanking is wrong. Not necessarily. It depends on what attachment style you want your child to form with you and how you'd like your child to solve problems when he gets older. Most people say that if you hit a child because he/she is naughty, they'll grow up thinking it's ok to use violence to solve problems. I feel that "violence" is much different than the occasional spanking. And if you teach the difference, they'll grow up knowing it. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with spanking when it is called for (as in extreme circumstances). The problem lies in what I deem extreme, others may not (I don't think spilling milk or saying "no" is extreme- I have seen children being spanked repeatedly for talking back and even for spilling milk-I saw that just the other day at the mall). I have never had to spank my children. I attribute that to how I dealt with things when they were really little. For example, I have a 15 month old right now. Even though a lot of people tell me he's too young to understand (which I steadfastly believe to be untrue) he does get punished for things. If he does something wrong (like biting, hiting, throwing kitty food...) he gets timeouts (a minute for every year). I do slap his hand (it's more like a tap really though) for things like touching the stove, etc. I am also very consistant- which is the hardest part. Even if he is too little to understand the why part of why's he's in timeout, he begins to connect cause and effect. I believe I've never had to use more severe forms of punishment because my children learned from a very young age the difference between behavior that gets punished versus behavior that gets rewarded (I also realize this may change as my children begin entering adolescence). It is also important to reiterate that all children are different. Timeouts don't work for every child. However, there are different forms of timeouts that can be tried. For example, there are people who set there kid in timeout in a different room, some on a chair, some in the corner, some facing the wall, some standing facing the wall. When I was little we had to stand, face the wall, with our hands up touching the wall (I would like to add that timeouts were not the only form of punishment in my household growing up). If we were to put our hands down, our time started over again. We were in timeout a minute for every year we were old-your arms got very tired when you were old!!! Yet other people find that redirection works the best for their child. Also, always ALWAYS talk with your child about why he received the punishment he received, no matter what you decide to use. Hope this helps!
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post #5 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-02-2007, 09:00 PM
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What are you asking for? You already said you prefer to spank.

What help do you need?
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post #6 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-02-2007, 10:25 PM
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If you hit him to teach him to behave, he is only learning fear--not self-regulation.

Spanking is hitting. If you hit an adult to get them to stop doing something that violates a rule, you would be committing assault.
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post #7 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-02-2007, 11:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaVonLuvMuffin
What are you asking for? You already said you prefer to spank.

What help do you need?
I think she maybe wants to stop and is looking for alternatives. I am not sure what timeout approach she gives to her 7 year old though.
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post #8 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-03-2007, 01:12 AM
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You can't slap (or "tap" as you prefer) an adult with the risk of getting charged with assault, why should you "tap" a child?

Fuck the typos
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post #9 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-03-2007, 05:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Celina268
I think she maybe wants to stop and is looking for alternatives. I am not sure what timeout approach she gives to her 7 year old though.
Maybe you should let her speak for herself, since we already were subject to your stance on why assaulting your child is okay?
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post #10 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-03-2007, 10:07 AM
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Hmmmm. I think I did let her speak for herself. I happened to READ her post. Nowhere in her post does she say say PREFERS to spank, as you (MomaVon) say in a previous post. Also, nowhere in my posts do I say it's ok to assult any child. The logical conclusion I made from her original post, especially since she asks for advice, is that she wants ADVICE. I also concluded, since I must have missed the part where she said,"OMGosh I can't believe no one else spanks!!!! That's all I do to my child 24/7 and he listens to me!" or that she prefers to spank, was that she wants help finding more effective ways of discipline. I don't know, maybe it was the "I could use a little advice" part that threw me. Whether we, as members of this forum, agree with her ways of discipline or not, we are here to help one another. That's all you were doing, that's all I was doing.
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post #11 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-03-2007, 11:35 AM
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Celina, SMs is probably one of the biggest opponents of spanking in the realm of internets forums.


Perhaps because you have only been here a short time, you have yet to see that.

She did not ask a question. She said that spanking works for her, yet she seems conflicted because people tell her it is wrong. She seems to be looking for validation, and she isn't going to get it here.

I am not here to help her, as you suggest, but you go right on with yourself if you are.

Oh, and I find it hard to believe that TO is effective with a 15 month old.
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post #12 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-03-2007, 11:54 AM
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Anyone who hits a child has a serious issue with her noodle.

1. Spanking is ineffective in the long-run. It may engender immediate obedience out of fear, but it does nothing to teach why the behavior was wrong, nothing to illustrate a natural consequence of wrong behavior, and nothing to teach what to do right

2. Spanking is an element of parental frustration, not discipline. Parents spank because they are frustrated and they are seeking an emotional release.

3. Spanking teaches kids to fear their parents. It also teaches them to make sure not to get caught next time.

4. Spanking teaches children that hitting people when you are upset is ok.

5. MAINLY, spanking is a BIG person HITTING a LITTLE person who CAN'T FIGHT BACK. When I went to school, we called those people 'bullies'. The same applies to a parent who strikes a child.


A good 20 civilized nations have outlawed hitting children all together. Assault and battery are illegal in the United States as well. Eventually, someone is going to put 2 and 2 together and realize that children are deserving of the same protection adults are, and adults who assault and batter their children will be prosecuted as well.

OP, there are so many more effective discipline techniques out there that don't involve hitting your child. Please.....look into them.
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post #13 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-03-2007, 09:02 PM
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Age 7 is about the right age to start taking away privileges as a punishment. Although I don't believe in spanking, I really don't know too many people who are still spanking around this age as it is less effective by this point. Take away TV, or a special activity the child looks forward to, or keep the child home on the weekend instead of letting them spend time with friends. I know I would hate that far worse than spanking--spanking is over and done with in a few moments, but grounding seems endless.

I hope you are able to find an alternate means to spanking to discipline your child.
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post #14 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-03-2007, 10:47 PM
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MamaVon- Yeah, I thought she was looking for validation too, which, you're right, she probably is. I was just trying to get her to see the error of spanking in the long run without coming out and saying spanking is wrong. I wanted a more effective way of making her look at her actions and maybe reevaluate her discipline decisions. I figured that if everyone came at her and yelled and soap boxed, she'd leave and continue seeking spanking as her method. I was just trying to help her, in essence, help the child. Outnumbered and WhiteTrashBarbie posted more the line of what I was trying to get at. They gave good solid reasons about why spanking is not effective and also, WhiteTrashBarbie, gave excellent alternatives to spankings as well as TO. I know for our 4 year old, we started taking away his hockey stick (which to him is the end of the world because he'd play with it in his sleep if we let him). We do different lengths of time depending on what it's for. The longest I think I've taken it away has been for almost a week- but he was super naughty. We have a rule that if his little brother is up he isn't allowed to play hockey in the house (for obvious reason like him accidentally smacking his brother in the face/head/body with the stick or puck(which is tops to soda bottles)). He broke this rule once and ended up hitting his brother with the stick. he got it taken away. He asked for it every day and when time was up, he got it back. Now, everytime he plays, the second I bring his brother in, he says, OH, time to put it away until later (although there are times he still needs a gentle reminder). Anyway, my point is, I was just trying to help her visualize the differences. I am sorry if I peeved anyone off. That wasn't my intention. I hope this blther makes sense, cause it did in my head. Click here to enlarge
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post #15 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-07-2007, 08:18 PM
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You know, instead of saying, "Put on your coat," or "Do this", try using "I" statements--"I need you to. . ." My son's dipshit of a teacher decided she couldn't word things like that and instead wanted to put him in timeout. The thing is this. There are many, many ways to get a child to follow directives without spanking. Give them a reason. Make consequences Natural for them.
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post #16 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-08-2007, 05:49 PM
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we use fancy bottles with the girls names on them & colored gems.

If you are behaving you get gems*through out the day*, you do something that you shouldn't you get beads taken away. This had been the only thing that works for DD1. When the bottle is full you get to buy something small. Last week DD bought a car thingy for her hamster.
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post #17 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-12-2007, 02:30 PM
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The Pros and Cons of Spanking ... and what to do instead

Some parents swear by spanking, "I give him a swat, and he stops." Then there are the parents who say, "I was spanked and I'm a better person for it." Yes, spanking can sometimes be effictive, but some studies show that spanking is only temporarily effective; it teaches the child "don't do that" but doesn't teach them why they shouldn't do it other than "if I do that I'll be hit." Some people disagree with those studies, though (and I highly doubt those disagreeing people have ever studied child psychology). We keep looking at this from the parent's point of view, though, and ultimately it isn't the parent who will suffer the consequences of spanking, so step out of your parenting shoes for a moment.

Go back to your childhood (skip your teen years). Slip into your memories. When your parents yelled at you, there was something in you that said "I'm not worthy. My own parent is treating me like this." If your parent insulted you, your likely felt like, "Nobody loves me, not even my own parent." Now remember what it was like to be hit by a parent (or imagine it if you were never hit). It makes the child feel all of the above (I'm not worthy. Nobody loves me. Etc.), but it also sends another message to the child: "I deserve to be hit."

Now jump back into adulthood. Imagine that your boss was unhappy with your work and began to spank you. Would you let him? Hell no! Why? Because you realize that you don't deserve to be hit for a mistake. You should be talked to with respect instead, respected as an employee and as a person. Your child deserves that same respect.

You are the boss of your child. You are the CEO of your house. However, you are also your child's teacher. If you hit your child, you are teaching your child, you deserve to have people hit you. You are also teaching your child, if you are bigger and stronger and more powerful, then it is perfectly fine to hit people to get them to do what you want them to do. Is this really what you want to teach your child? Probably not.

Time out needs to used as a cool-down tool. When your child is throwing a fit or filled with hysteria or rage, time-out is time to get settled, to regroup. Don't yell. Don't try to talk. Just say "time-out" and put your child in a time-out location. If he tries to leave that location, you put him back...again...and again.... When he is calm, talk to him about what he did wrong and why it was wrong. (I don't care if he's 2 or 20, you need to do this. Never skip this part.) Then tell him what he should do instead next time. Have him apologize to whomever he wronged. Give him a kiss, and send him off to play.

Logical consequences are better for just random mistakes. Junior forgot to put his toy away, so the toy now goes into the off-limits basket on the top shelf of your closet and he can't play with it again until tomorrow (or next week for older children). He broke his sister's toy, so now he has to do chores to earn money to pay for the Click here to enlarge toy. (I've even done this with a 2 year old, and it works great.) He left his bike out, so now he can't ride his bike for a week. Sometimes these logical consequences are a headache for you too. What if he normally rides that bike to school? Well, you'll just have to figure out another way to get him there. Yes, it's a hassle, but a little bit of extra effort now will save you years of strife and effort later. Repeat a mantra if you must; here's mine: "I'm doing this because I love my child and want her to grow up to be a healthy, stable, strong, responsible, compassionate adult."

If you need discipline ideas for a specific problem, let me know. I've got lots and lots of ideas from my experience. I'm a mother of two. I've been working in childcare since I was a child and have taken care of children with serious behavioral problems. I've worked in public schools. People are often amazed by how I've been able to turn bullies into sweeties and helped troubled kids straighten out (yes I'm tooting my own horn, but just so you know that my methods really work). Oh, and I've never, never, never hit a child.
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post #18 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-12-2007, 03:34 PM
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Well said, dagwench Click here to enlarge
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post #19 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-12-2007, 05:20 PM
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Ok, I didn't really read the posts because I can guess what they say Click here to enlarge

Spanking just doesn't work. It just doesn't.

If he's seven, it's time to ground him IMO. He surely has privileges you can remove like tv, video games, going to a friend's house, etc. Losing a night of TV will make a much bigger impression than a swat that according to you doesn't hurt.

And if he's already seven you'd better find something else that works, quick. He's going to be bigger than you in a few years.
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post #20 of 53 (permalink) Old 02-12-2007, 08:05 PM
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My Mom used to spank me. It made me so mad that I continued to misbehave just to piss her off and let her know she couldn't contol me that way. Spanking doesn't work.
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