In May I took a full-time position with a 45ish min (average) commute each way. I keep thinking I'm going to get the hang of this, lots of families have 2 working parents in the home, and so there must be something I am doing wrong because I am struggling so much making this work.

It doesn't help that both of my kids go to non-neighborhood schools that are literally 10-15 minute drives OPPOSITE directions from our house with no bus service. We have 2 different carpools. One is rather tense, the other one is great. Dh works from home on an eastern time schedule (so 5:30am to 2:30pm our time) so that he can run afternoon pick-up for both carpools. The real challenge comes in with after school activities. DD has ballet 4 days a week, 2 of which start at 4pm (she gets out of school at 3:30pm about 15-20 min away from the dance studio ). We just found out Saturday that DS' little league practice will be 4 days a week, also at 4pm.

The irony is that when we were on a single income, it was financially stressful to have the kids in after school activities (dance is soooo expensive) and now that we both work, we can afford it but it's nearly physically impossible to get them there.

I guess I mainly just need to vent to others who probably understand and/or have had similar struggles. I've looked into options like hiring someone but then I run into carpool issues (because they'd be driving the carpool kids, too). Neither of our carpools is interested in being paid to do both sides of the carpool.

Oh, and I developed an ulcer in January.

Oh that sounds so horribly stressful. I wish I knew what to suggest, aside from one of you going part-time. I know that's not always realistic. I'm contemplating grad school next year and how on earth I'd manage being gone from home 4-10 pm 4 days a week.

I'm sorry. I can completely relate (I have a 45 mile each way commute, too). We're only saved by the fact that my boys' school is close to our house and they have YMCA before/after school care onsite and my dh works nearby and has a somewhat flexible schedule. We'd be screwed otherwise.

It's hard, and I wish I had some advice. All I can offer is sympathy.

I'm sorry. I can completely relate (I have a 45 mile each way commute, too). We're only saved by the fact that my boys' school is close to our house and they have YMCA before/after school care onsite and my dh works nearby and has a somewhat flexible schedule. We'd be screwed otherwise.

It's hard, and I wish I had some advice. All that I can offer is sympathy.

Thank you both, I truly appreciate the sympathy.

I feel like I "yeah but" myself constantly. I know I could simplify our lives by moving the kids to neighborhood schools or taking them out of their activities, but then I feel like I'm not making the best choices. Once the point of having your cake if you can't eat it, too?

I have been considering part-time (back at the hospital) but then it means leaving a great career (healthcare IT) that I've just started. So big decisions... just researching right now and naively hoping somehow it magically works itself all out.

"What's" the point... not "once" the point

It can be so stressful (and I currently only have one who has activities, the other is in daycare). I lucked out this year because DD's cheer coach has a daughter who is one year older than DD and at the same school. She picks the kids up 4 x a week from school and takes them to cheer so I almost never have to do it. Last year three of us worked it so that we could get them and take them to cheer. It sucked though.

Do you carpool to and from school and is that what the issue is? Can you find a carpool for your DD with someone from the school who also does dance? Ask at the dance studio and see if there are others in the same situation. Is there a school website/message board where you could ask about carpool solutions?

Talk to the dance studio and little league coaches too - let them know the situation, you may find other parents who want to carpool that way and/or they may cut your kids some slack if they are a bit late. DD goes late to every dance class because cheer doesn't get out until 15 minutes after ballet starts. I cleared it with the head of the studio and the teacher before the year started and said she wouldn't be there for at least 25 minutes. They okayed it because she only misses warmups and stretching and she's already warm and stretched because of cheer. It is still stressful.

Omg turbo, i feel you. I just had to email the team mom because i literally cannot get gabriel to practice during the week. I was irrationally angry this morning at the assumption that parents can get their kids to activities during regular working hours. I think its going to work out. Have you tried the team mom for your son? That will at least help with getting him there. I hated asking, but they seemed happy to do it if it meant gabriel would be at practice.

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If you want to keep them in all of their activities then I would work on getting a reliable friend/family member to help you make that happen. For me personally and for my family, I would cut back on activities but I know most wouldn't want to do that. I hope you can find out something that works for you guys

Can you hire a driving helper?

Or do you know any parents from the kids' activities? What if you offer to chip in if they could do the driving for your kid in that activity? I know I wouldn't mind helping like that.

We are definitely going to let the coach (no team mom yet) know that the 4pm LL practice is going to be tough but we'll be there as soon as we can. I really can't imagine that we will be the only parents in this boat. The coach is retired so he just may not have thought about work schedules. Let's hope anyway. And will definitely try to team up with another parent. It's a new team and no kids from the school/neighborhood so we'll make the effort to get to know the other parents. There other kids from her charter school at her dance studio, at least not in her time slot, but I think we have that one mostly nailed down except when DH has to take a business trip. It's like we get one thing nailed down and something else happens. I talked to my mom and she is going to help out one afternoon a week with LL so that takes some pressure off.

I would like to hire someone but we'd still have to do the after school pick-up (due to other kids in the carpool) so the timing bleeds into the activities. Still, I'm keeping this in mind because if I could make it worth, it'd be worth every penny!

I totally agree, PAP, that less activities would be the sane, reasonable thing to do. Ironically I thought limiting them to one activity each would be sufficient but hadn't counted on that one activity being 4 days a week during work hours.

I did finally hire a housecleaner though! She starts Thursday. I am seriously giddy about that.

How the hell are you going to have a 4 o'clock bb practice? ours are from 6-8 and are hard enough to make with dinner and homework.

Baseball is so ridiculously time consuming

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one of the moms I used to work with would leave work at 3, get the kids to the babysitter for after care and then come home. it was her "lunch hour" it was crazy.

i agree 4 pm is early, but I've got a kid in middle and a kid in HS and pick up times are around that time for sports, so you're in it for the long haul if your kids do sports.

i took a job where i work from home a lot, dh can work from home too.
we juggle with other working parents, with no set carpool schedule. often, if i'm picking up, i don't even know who might get in the van with us if any kids are standing around outside, I usually ask my kid if they need a ride.

older kids are a bit easier that way, they know where they live, etc.

Dude, seriously.

Hopefully the 4pm practices can start later once the days start getting longer, too.

Yeah at first I was going to recommend only one activity per kid at a time but you're doing that . That's what I do. My kids are little still so I'm sure I'll be in the same place in a few years.

Just steer him away from baseball, PAP. Seriously though, I can't believe that at 8 years old, beginner level, that it is 4 days a week. Soccer was 2 days a week plus a game on Saturdays, and practice didn't start until 5pm. Bass is right though, they mentioned that the earlier start time is due to the shorter days. So I guess I just gotta get through Feb/March.

Thank you everyone for the ideas, encouragement and support.

Emma has always had dance and cheer right after school got done. Carpooling with other parents has been the only way to make it all work.