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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 04:25 PM Thread Starter
Wayward Wombat
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kids and their controlling friends

Dd's got one. Oh boy! We'll call her Jane.

She gets super agitated when my dd is playing with other friends. She constantly pressures my dd to say that they are bffs and even though dd has told her she doesn't have one bff. Jane even created an instagram of them being bffs. She constantly texts dd and gets annoyed if dd spends time with other friends. If dd hangs out with someone else, this girl will go play with someone else and take about 10 instagrams pictures and send them to dd. She will also text dd to see if she wants to come over and when dd replies she will say "oops, I meant to text someone else, sorry."

They competed at the same level last year and because dd had an injury at the beginning of the year Jane has moved up a level ahead of dd. Dd has slowly been coming back and has done very well at her last couple of meets. Jane has struggled with being in a more competitive group. Jane has made comments to my dd about how dd only won because her competition is bad or most recently has told dd to get out of a group picture because dd was not in their level.

I know this is just because Jane is feeling insecure with herself, but damn, it's kind of hard. Fortunately, my dd is very easy going and nothing really rattles her. She will tell the girl to chill out. It's kind of hard because we see this girl multiple times a week and if they have a falling out I could see it being a not so pleasant situation. I am just trying to teach my dd to stick up for herself and not be a doormat.

Anyone have experience with this?

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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 04:27 PM
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How old are they?



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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 04:28 PM Thread Starter
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They're both 10

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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 04:37 PM
Wayward Wombat
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That's pretty young to have that much access to social networking sites. I would monitor what she is sending and receiving every single day, for a while.



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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 04:45 PM Thread Starter
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Who my dd? She is really not on it very much. Maybe 20-30 minutes a day. She has an iPad and texts/facetimes with her friends. All of her texts come to me as well. She also does have an instagram, but I am a heavy monitor on it. She's private and I only let her accept followers from people she knows. I am logged into her instagram on my phone so I see everything that goes down. She uses both to communicate with girls from her gym because they are all spread out geographically.

With all of this drama though I am really appreciating my technologically apathetic tween.

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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 04:49 PM
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I agree with Hester- sounds like a lot of potential for weird shit to happen over text/instagram.
It's good that your daughter is laid back about it- I'd be annoyed as hell if I were you... but yes, Jane is clearly struggling with her self esteem.
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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 04:52 PM
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Yes Id get rid of texting for a 10 yr old except to me.

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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 04:53 PM
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I don't mean to sound judgy about the texting/instagram stuff.... I just get worried about kids using it so much and the potential for hurt feelings, meanness and bullying that goes along with it.
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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 04:55 PM
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She's only 10, you have a great opportunity to steer her away from being involved in this drama.



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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 04:57 PM
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I would get rid of the social media at 10 and keep texting only for family. There is a lifetime for her to be manipulated via texting and social media, no need to get a jump on it

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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 04:58 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pepper View Post
I don't mean to sound judgy about the texting/instagram stuff.... I just get worried about kids using it so much and the potential for hurt feelings, meanness and bullying that goes along with it.
I don't think you're being judgy Click here to enlarge I am comfortable with the extent that my dd uses it and other than this one girl it has been a good thing for her. She has learned how to be sensitive with what she posts and it has been a good method to connect the girls who are geographically not close to each other. Dd doesn't really post a bunch of pictures at all.

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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 04:59 PM Thread Starter
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So, save the manipulation and meanness for real life? Click here to enlarge

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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 05:12 PM
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I just think it os a bad idea, but if you are fine with it, it's not our business.



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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 05:20 PM Thread Starter
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Well, the only thing that has made her cry about this whole thing is when the girl told her to get out of the picture and that was a real life thing not a social media thing. My dd doesn't engage with the texts or instagram stuff at all. She is rarely on her iPad, but I obviously can't convince anyone of that. When she is on it, she is primarily playing mine craft or floppy bird. Oh well Click here to enlarge

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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 05:22 PM Thread Starter
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Oh and I did have her tell her friend to delete the bff instagram account.

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post #16 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 05:24 PM
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She will have Janes in and out her life forever, so just try to think of it as practice. If she's already drawing boundaries with Jane, isn't getting caught up in it, and isn't letting it rattle her, she's already doing better than a lot of grown ass women. I'd just keep the lines of communication open with your dd, so you can help her maneuver it, and try not to worry or get terribly annoyed. For me, it's always helpful to remind myself that the other child is a child, too. It can't be easy to be ten and feel like you need to make everyone be your friend, or else. Click here to enlarge
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post #17 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 05:27 PM Thread Starter
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I do believe Jane is a great little kid, she is just really struggling with her own issues right now and unfortunately, because of the friendship between her and my dd she lashes out at her or puts her down. We both really adore her, but not always her actions. They have known each other more than half their lives, but really became good friends last year.

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post #18 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 05:46 PM
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Rosie has a couple of Janes and it bugs her. She also has issues with Instagram but since 99% of her online interactions with her non-clingy, controlling friends are positive, I am fine with her keeping her social media. I encourage her to block people who bug her and only deal with them in real life.



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post #19 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 06:09 PM
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Sammi doesn't have an instagram (in spite of her suddenly i-thingy filled life), but she does have a Jane who goes to her before school program who just won't leave her alone. Sammi has tried writing a contract with this girl so she won't be bossy, talking to the guidance counselor, talking to the BASP counselors...so far nothing has helped.

I have no advice, just empathy.

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post #20 of 27 (permalink) Old 02-23-2014, 07:38 PM
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Just keep talking with her. There will be many Janes in her life, so no time like the present to learn how to deal with them without getting too emotionally invested.

I imagine one day Jane will totally cross a line irt technology, and that will be a learning moment too. They are so young for texting. They are old enough to understand that once something is said, it can't be unsaid, but it's even more cementing when it is typed up and dispersed into the cyberworld.

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