Want to feel guilty about your divorce? Or planned divorce? - Sybermoms Parenting Forum
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post #1 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 09:39 AM Thread Starter
Wayward Wombat
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Want to feel guilty about your divorce? Or planned divorce?

Then read this:
https://www.yahoo.com/parenting/kids...330654983.html

Urgh.
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post #2 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 09:42 AM
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Click here to enlarge Really??
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post #3 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 09:43 AM
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She sounds angry Click here to enlarge
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And Julie said "Futz", "Futz" said Julie.
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post #4 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 09:55 AM Thread Starter
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She does sound angry.
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post #5 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 09:56 AM
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Why do I get the feeling that her parents were divorced and she's incredibly bitter?
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post #6 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 09:57 AM
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"you have taught them that love is unreliable" Sweet baby jesus someone is bitter
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post #7 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 10:01 AM
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She does sound angry, but as an adult child of an ugly divorce I can say there's a lot of truth there. Sorry,but it's true.

Number 5 is especially true. My 73 y.o. father (who was a deadbeat alcoholic shithead, so take that for what its worth) calls me every now and then whining about his deep regret.
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post #8 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 10:03 AM
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and she couldn't make her relationship work for whatever reason, whether it was her fault, his fault of a combination of both---and instead of owning that, she's placing blame
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post #9 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 10:19 AM
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I too see seeds of truth there presented in a overly simplistic, unrealistic way.

My dad is at the "almost end of my life, maybe it's time I really thought about my actions" stage. And his expressing his regrets doesn't make it better now, it just compounds the selfishness that his actions always stemmed from. Only now it's because at the end of his life he realizes his actions hurt him. It's not at all about how it affected his family.
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post #10 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 10:22 AM Thread Starter
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I do think there's some truth in it, which is why I've worked so hard to make a shitty marriage work. I think in most cases you should definitely do some work on yourself and/or on your marriage before you call it quits. But damn. If you can't make it work, you can't make it work and acting like you've fucked up your kids' lives irreparably isn't helping. I'm certainly not going to look at every divorcee as a shitty, selfish parent.
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post #11 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 10:31 AM
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She sounds very angry. My parents split when I was 4 and divorced finally when I was 8. I never wanted them back together and I have always asked them both what the hell they were thinking getting together in the first place Click here to enlarge

I will say that dh and I are only together because of our kids. We will be divorced when they are grown but we cannot give them a good life while trying to maintain two households now.
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post #12 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 10:33 AM
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Quote:
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Only now it's because at the end of his life he realizes his actions hurt him. It's not at all about how it affected his family.
yep. that's how it is here too.
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post #13 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 10:34 AM
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I'd like her to make it fucking work with my ex-asshole and then continue with her shitty judgmental assholishness. Click here to enlarge



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post #14 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 10:34 AM
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I am a child of a horribly nasty divorce too and am a divorced mother (first marriage) and see the kernels of truth, too but that article places an awfully hard line on things when there are just to many variables.
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post #15 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 10:38 AM
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She sounds very angry. My parents split when I was 4 and divorced finally when I was 8. I never wanted them back together and I have always asked them both what the hell they were thinking getting together in the first place Click here to enlarge

I will say that dh and I are only together because of our kids. We will be divorced when they are grown but we cannot give them a good life while trying to maintain two households now.
But not every kid thinks this either

My bil divorced his wife and it was a divorce that needed to happen (she was abusive, medically neglected their children and refused to take anti depressants but self medicated her hi polar with a variety drugs and alcohol).

My bil is happily remarried to a very good woman who has been very good to his children from his first marriage. To this day my almost 20 year old nephew still wants his parents back together. His sister has had the blinders removed and she sees her mother for the selfish woman she is but my nephew still has some sadness and resentment over the divorce.

I think it's foolish to think divorce doesn't affect kids but I also think some divorces are needful even if it may affect kids negatively at the time.
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post #16 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 10:42 AM
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That's what I'm saying. She is saying all kids want their parents back together. I didn't. My dad didn't abuse me, he did abuse my mom but I didn't know until I was older. They were just very different people who only had me in common. Click here to enlarge
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post #17 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 10:45 AM
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When I was young I prayed my parents would divorce instead of stewing and being passive-aggressively venomous to each other.
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post #18 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 10:54 AM
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I rememver the day middle ds came home and told me "dad isn't drinking anymore, you can move back in together now" telling him no, it was't just his father's drinking, sucked, but other than that, they've adjusted fine. And it was still the best 5-6k I've ever spent.
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post #19 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 10:57 AM
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I divorced when DS was 2. He is 8 now and wonders why we aren't together.
Bf divorced when DSS was 4. He is 9 now and still regularly expresses a desire for his parents to get back together.

I definitely see a lot of truth to this. But yeah, it's pretty black and white for an extremely gray issue.
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post #20 of 34 (permalink) Old 01-19-2015, 11:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dixie Wrecked View Post
I'd like her to make it fucking work with my ex-asshole and then continue with her shitty judgmental assholishness. Click here to enlarge
as the daughter of divorce, i agree with this. if you're between that rock and the hard place, choose the rock, dammit. your kids, yourself, and all that you have built are better off without some sociopathic alcoholic motherfucker ruling your life. though the choices my father made changed my life and influenced it forever, we all made stable, happy marriages, including my mom. it took a helluva lot of work and therapy, but we did it. and you can bet all three of us are really proud of that.

divorce is a holocaust, but it's sometimes really necessary. the best arrangement for that kind of marital incompatibility is both parents staying in the same city with generous visitation and mutual respect.

and even without that ideal scenario, it's still a better alternative than parents who have given up trying to work it through with "humility and determination." the ravages of alcohol and other diseases have nothing to do with "strength of character." what bullshit.
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