I'm being really immature - Sybermoms Parenting Forum
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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-15-2015, 06:18 PM Thread Starter
Wayward Wombat
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I'm being really immature

So dh and I are having a series of arguments about my in-laws. We don't argue much, but when we do, 99% of the time the subject matter is my in-laws.

My mil, fil, sil have been planning a trip to Europe. I got over the fact that my inlaws were paying for a 3 week vaca for sil's family even though sil's family is massively wealthy.
Then, 4 weeks ago mil had a heart attack. I talked with dh about the trip and voiced my concerns about her going so soon post heart attack (4 weeks). My concerns were wholly ignored. Then, last week, I talked with mil causally and she mentioned that she hadn't been feeling well for 2 weeks - very fatigued, lots of aches & pains, etc. she had gotten her note from her doctor stating that she had no travel restrictions so she was happy.
I gently talked to dh about how she wasn't feeling well (it was 10 am, 68 degrees and she was dripping with sweat), and that she mentioned that she can only stand for 15 minutes at a time so she was trying to find a good traveling stool.
I voiced my concerns about her health again, and was dismissed.
We were all at a family wedding the day before they left and she was saying how much she didn't feel good. And that it was 97 degrees where they were going, etc...
I asked dh if he thought she was overly worried about letting down sil and maybe needed someone to say "hey, maybe you really shouldn't go"
Nope.

So, they left Monday morning and 5 hrs into the flight she got dizzy, fell down, and broke her leg. She's in a hospital in Paris and can't have surgery until Saturday bc they have to wait for the blood thinners to wear off.

All I want to hear is "you were right and I'm sorry I didn't listen to you"

Srsly, that's all I want. But I don't want to tell him to say it, I want it to come from him.
I'm sure I'm being g ridiculously immature. I feel badly for him that his mom is so far away and that he can't be there. I worry something will happen in surgery and that she won't be ok.

800 miles in 2015
336/800
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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-15-2015, 07:16 PM
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I think he knows it but maybe he can't say it. I love that you are so caring about your MIL. You always hear from people who dislike their MIL but it's nice to see someone who is really looking out for her.

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I'll buck the trend, I don't think her kids are all that in the cute department. not all kids are cute. they have other attributes that make up for that, but look at tweedle's aiden, that is a cute kid. and your kids mel, those are adorable kids. Her's are average. I wouldn't take a second look passing her on the street.
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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-15-2015, 07:50 PM Thread Starter
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The problem is that if I were to say my concerns directly, it would prob be poorly received. They all just tiptoe around everything. But i might just have to start being my direct self. IMO this could have and should have been avoided. I'm mad that dh didn't say anything bc somewhere inside I feel like he's partially responsible for this disaster bc he didn't state the obvious.

800 miles in 2015
336/800
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-15-2015, 08:48 PM
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Sometimes you have to just file away that you were right in a case like this. No one is going to tell you were right because that would mean they were neglectful. If you want to be more forceful about your concerns in the future you can do that. What you can't do is say "last time I told you nobody listened to me" because then you are reminding them of the fact that they didn't push the issue to make sure she took it easy. You were right. They were wrong and hopefully they will take her health issues more seriously.
I hope her surgery goes well. Click here to enlarge


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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-15-2015, 10:16 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you guys Click here to enlarge
I talked to dh tonight about me being free to speak my concerns directly next time so that I can have no regrets.
I definitely hate the feeling that I'm not being listened to. I don't know why it's such a 'thing' with me, but it def is.
My sil sent out an email this morning about how she was enjoying croissants and cafe au lait and looking for a fancier hotel and I swear I thought I was going to explode. I'm worried to death about her mom and she's concerned with pastries and hotels

800 miles in 2015
336/800
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-16-2015, 05:53 AM
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Maybe your SIL is a raging bitch, but it could be that she is concentrating on things within her control like croissants and hotels because she's feeling overwhelmed with guilt about your MIL. People process things in different ways.
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-16-2015, 08:38 AM
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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-16-2015, 09:25 AM
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Next time, just relay your concerns to the person.

I imagine that they would be out a lot of money if they cancelled the trip and maybe that pushed her into going. MIL is a big girl, She made the decision to go. FIL was a witness to the state of her health and so was SIL. You should have no guilt and even if DH had said "maybe you shouldn't go" that would have stopped her from going.

I hope her surgery goes well.
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-16-2015, 01:00 PM
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If you had said something and she had stayed home she would have blamed you for ruining the trip. Sometimes you have to let the cards fall as they may and then go in and clean up the pieces while biting the hell out of your tongue.
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-17-2015, 02:34 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Julez View Post
Next time, just relay your concerns to the person.

I imagine that they would be out a lot of money if they cancelled the trip and maybe that pushed her into going. MIL is a big girl, She made the decision to go. FIL was a witness to the state of her health and so was SIL. You should have no guilt and even if DH had said "maybe you shouldn't go" that would have stopped her from going.

I hope her surgery goes well.
I think one of the things that worries me is that perhaps their reasoning skills are declining - 3 weeks post heart attack, not feeling well for 2 weeks, can't stand for more than 10-15 mins, going to a relatively little town where it is 96 degrees.

And it's true, I would hate to have stated my mind and gone down in history as the person that ruined their 2015 Italy trip.

800 miles in 2015
336/800
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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-17-2015, 02:35 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by SquigSoup View Post
Maybe your SIL is a raging bitch, but it could be that she is concentrating on things within her control like croissants and hotels because she's feeling overwhelmed with guilt about your MIL. People process things in different ways.
Do narcissists feel guilt Click here to enlarge

800 miles in 2015
336/800
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-17-2015, 05:44 PM Thread Starter
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Aaaaaaannnd she's been in the ob/gyn ward this whole time.
They hadn't considered getting her medical records faxed over prior to surgery (now scheduled for Sunday).... His dad is starting to crumble over the language barrier and boredom.
I want to fly out there myself and take care of business.


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800 miles in 2015
336/800
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-19-2015, 08:33 PM
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Any updates?

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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-20-2015, 02:21 PM
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You were right. And I'm sorry they didn't listen to you.

But your ILs are adults. Think of it as letting your grown kids make their own decisions and mistakes. Have to do that with the ILs, too. Even though they are doing some stuff that is kind of dumb.
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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-23-2015, 02:07 PM Thread Starter
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She had surgery on Sunday. Was supposed to come home yesterday. Dh changed his work travel to get them at the airport.
Sil left Sunday to continue her trip and is enjoying beautiful Italy. I'm sure it's cause she's very concerned for her mom Click here to enlarge
Ambulance transported her to the airport Wed, they got to to ticket counter and it turned out Air France didn't have room for her after all. Dh is so stressed. They are coming home today, any minute now.
I seriously can't believe sil didn't escort them home. Fil is a mess at this point and dh is worried sick.

800 miles in 2015
336/800
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post #16 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-23-2015, 07:43 PM
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UGH, what a mess Click here to enlarge

It's not a feeling, it's a knowing.

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Quote:
I'll buck the trend, I don't think her kids are all that in the cute department. not all kids are cute. they have other attributes that make up for that, but look at tweedle's aiden, that is a cute kid. and your kids mel, those are adorable kids. Her's are average. I wouldn't take a second look passing her on the street.
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post #17 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-23-2015, 09:51 PM
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You can't be responsible for everyone. You tried your best. And you were right. Your SIL is a raging cunt. @tiddlywink
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post #18 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-23-2015, 10:30 PM
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Glad they got a flight back but don't get caught up in being right-even though you were. Your mil is an adult and it was her choice. Your sil seems to have her priorities messed up.

Why didn't your mil discuss how she was feeling with her doctor? Ignoring those kind of symptoms especially after a heart attack isn't wise. Makes me think she was afraid the dr would tell her she couldn't go which makes me think you weren't going to get her to stay here even if you politely discussed it with her. Sometimes you just need to say your piece and step back and let the chips fall.

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post #19 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-28-2015, 07:29 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pudin View Post
If you had said something and she had stayed home she would have blamed you for ruining the trip. Sometimes you have to let the cards fall as they may and then go in and clean up the pieces while biting the hell out of your tongue.
This.

I hope she recovers quickly.
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