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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-06-2016, 11:41 PM Thread Starter
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I need advice

My daughter went into a store with two friends. They called me at work to come pick them up because they were caught for shoplifting.

There were three girls involved. One was my daughter the other was her best friend and there was a third girl who insinuated herself into a sleepover.

My child and her best friend 11 years old the other girl is 14. I have had questions about the 14 year old for a very long time. She seems nice to my face but I see something questionable about her. I don't want or I didn't want to to cast her in a bad light.

While I was working at a restaurant, I received a phone call from my 11 year old saying that I need to pick her up from a retail store saying that she was in trouble. Of course I transferred my tables and left going to pick her up only 30 seconds away from my work. Come to find out they all three of them were in trouble for shoplifting. My 11 year old and her best friend also an 11 year old were in trouble for shoplifting. Both of them as upon leaving gave me the same story that the 14 year old had shop lifted or attempted to shoplift over 20 items.

My child new that the 14 year old was attempting to steal. And did not speak up. I am having a hard time with dealing with the fact she did not speak up with someone in a managerial position, and expose the child that was doing something wrong.

I have never been in a situation like this before, I am unsure how to handle it. These are uncharted territories. I am at loss for words or emotion. I am NOT sure if I should be mad. Or if I should be proud that she honestly did not steal. She knew the other girl was stealing and never said anything. The older girl was calling them cry babies and lame for not participating in her actions. I know I should keep her away from this older girl. No question about it. But how should I go forth and talking to my daughter about the situation?
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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 05:39 AM
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I wish I had some words of wisdom to offer. I'm glad that your daughter was not shop lifting.

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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 05:45 AM
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Huh. We live in a rural area, so my kids did not have access to any unsupervised shopping until they much older. If your kid is getting life advice from any questionable source, remove the source. It doesn't matter if you are being 'fair'.
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 10:46 AM
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I'm still getting past the 11 year old at the mall without an adult.

I would definitley not be letting her hang with the 14 yr old anymore. At 11 I don't think it's that easy to go up and tell someone an older kid who is with you is doing something wrong.
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-07-2016, 02:16 PM
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I got caught shoplifting with 2 friends when I was 10. Actually, I didn't get caught, one of the other's mom found her stash and she ratted us out. I wasn't allowed to hang out with them anymore and had to go to the store and apologize to the owner. I was also tomato staked to the house for a couple of months. I learned my lesson!

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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 06:19 AM
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11 year olds should be able to go to the mall without a parent. Didn't work out in this case, but we should stop infantilizing tweens.
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 08:06 AM
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I'm still getting past the 11 year old at the mall without an adult.
Really? I went to stores on my own at that age. My kids start taking a city bus across town to high school at 12 (along with most other 12yos in the city). I should trust them to do that, but not to stop off at the mall on the way home after school?
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 12:36 PM
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Obviously this 11 year old and her best friend, also 11 are not capable of being allowed to go to the mall alone. I also question why any 14 year old girl would want to hang around 2 11 year old girls unless they were cousins or something.


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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 04:31 PM
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I don't think it's infantizing tweens by saying they can't go to the mall alone. Of course it will depend on the kid and the mall won't it? there are some malls I know that I wouldn't want my 15 year old to go to for just hanging out.
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-08-2016, 06:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pudin View Post
I also question why any 14 year old girl would want to hang around 2 11 year old girls unless they were cousins or something.
This is the part that I thought was weird.
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I'll buck the trend, I don't think her kids are all that in the cute department. not all kids are cute. they have other attributes that make up for that, but look at tweedle's aiden, that is a cute kid. and your kids mel, those are adorable kids. Her's are average. I wouldn't take a second look passing her on the street.
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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-09-2016, 06:15 AM
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My 14 year old wouldn't want to hang out at the mall with her 11 year old sister, let alone two 11 year olds she doesn't know.

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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-09-2016, 06:56 AM
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Um, ok, I'm not gonna rag on you about her age or try to figure out why they're hanging out with a girl that's 3 years older. I think you're asking how to react. I'd probably talk to my kid about how to avoid being guilty by association and advise him to just walk away (or leave and call me to come pick him up) if he were in a situation like that. I'm not sure I'd tell him he should have narc'd on his friend to a manager or whatever but I might say something like tell your friend "that's not cool, I don't want to get in trouble, I'm gonna take off". Her poor judgment in this case was that she stayed with the little thief even when she realized what she was doing.
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-09-2016, 06:31 PM
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I wouldn't let her hang out with the 14-year-old again, and she'd probably be grounded from the mall for a while. I'd talk with her, and let her know that she should have left the store and called you as soon as she realized what the girl was doing.

Was the 14-year-old arrested? Were your daughter and her friend arrested or just questioned?
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-09-2016, 09:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PussyCat View Post
My child new that the 14 year old was attempting to steal. And did not speak up. I am having a hard time with dealing with the fact she did not speak up with someone in a managerial position, and expose the child that was doing something wrong.
On one hand I think it is a stretch to think your daughter is going to call a manager over to report an older peer engaged in criminal activity, but if she was trying to steal 20 things maybe your dd should have stepped out of the store and waited.

Shoplifting seems to be a fairly common event in childhood. Hopefully she learns her lesson on the periphery. Don't beat yourself up.


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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 02-09-2016, 09:21 PM
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I would not try to persuade my kid that they should turn in a shoplifting peer, but I would absolutely talk about guilt by association and situations where they should deal with the situation by removing themselves from it.

(There are also situations where they should NOT remove themselves. I'd want to discuss both. One of the consequences of making this sort of bad decision is spending a lot of time getting lectured by your parents.)
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