just having a hard time... help - Sybermoms Parenting Forum
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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-17-2010, 11:36 PM Thread Starter
Deb
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just having a hard time... help

My family had a loss On Jan 7th
My brother and his wife lost their baby to sids at 6 months old. I dont know how to help them deal with his death, much less a loss like this. They are better now, a little. They are finally telling people and I think the support has helped. The friends put some money together to send them to florida to spread his ashes. I sent money, but it doesnt seem like enough, I am so so lost.
I feel stuck because I can not fly there to be there for any of the services/funeral/etc.

I havent cried, and I am seriously having a hard time with this. I know this isnt about me and it makes me angrier that I am feeling this way. I am just pissed. at everyone. every day all day. I am livid at whoever thought it was ok to take their baby.

Problem is, I cant sleep. If I sleep I have nightmares. I check on my kids as if they were infants. Colby is 5 and he slept in the other day and I shook him to see if he was breathing,. WTF is wrong with me? Am I losing it?

I am not here often but I know some of you have been through something like this and may have words of wisdom. I could really use some. Please.

thanks.
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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-18-2010, 03:55 AM
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I am so sorry!! Click here to enlarge

Keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers!
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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-18-2010, 04:49 AM
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I'm sorry Deb. I am so sorry. Your (entire extended) family has been in my thoughts.

Be gentle on yourself. You are human. Yes, you're a mom but despite what people say and think, you're not super-human.
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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-18-2010, 07:00 AM
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I am sorry for your loss Deb, and it was your loss too so do allow yourself to grieve.
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-19-2010, 10:39 AM Thread Starter
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she keeps posting pics of him on her FB every day.
I dont know what the fuck to do and its seriously tearing me up.
If you guys have ideas of things I could send, do, say.... I have a tendency of sticking my foot in my mouth easily Click here to enlarge and I dont know what is ok and not ok to say or do or send.

help. please.
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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-19-2010, 10:57 AM
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Deb -- you need to cry. Let yourself get it out. You look at your kids and you're terrified it can be one of them next, you are guilty because she lost her child and you didn't ... you are keeping it in too much by what you are saying in your posts and it's eating you too much.

Tell her that you were so glad to know him even if for such a short time, how beautiful he was and how much you loved your little nephew -- be there to let her talk through whatever she needs to say. Focus on what a bright spot in their lives he was, and how sorry you are that he is gone.

"Witnessing" (my mlk jr day word) is very important here -- validating her feelings, his life, the pain, the joy. Recognizing his life had meaning and worth even if only for 6 months.

This is heartbreaking ...
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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-19-2010, 12:01 PM Thread Starter
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she posted pics of him again this morning... I said he looks like his momma! WTF do I say? I know she is sharing her love with the world, I want him acknowledged, but I dont know what words are ok, whats not.

I have so much going on in my real life, I am scared to break down right now. I have a feeling I wont do well. Its so weird to know I am not grieving right and yet still avoid it.
Its surreal. I almost feel like I am outside looking in. (i know this makes no sense)

I do feel guilty. Guilty they loved him so much and they were punished for some reason.
Guilty I dont have answers
Pissed. i am pissed. Its been almost 2 weeks and I am just a ball of anger. Just sucks.

Today was the first time since it happened they werent on my mind first thing in the morning. Reliving their nightmare in my head and in my dreams was seriously exhausting.

they arent talking to people yet, they will. I didnt know her very well, and until ronin was born my brother and I were estranged. He brought us back together Click here to enlarge

TY grouchy, TY all of you. Its nice being able to vent about this.
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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-19-2010, 12:53 PM
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They were not punished, and neither they nor anyone else deserves this terrible thing. There is no need to feel guilty, but of course you wonder why, and why not me, and all those things. It's all normal. This is a terrible loss for them but it's OK for you to have feelings about it.

I don't think there's anything you can say that's wrong, as long as you say something. I think having her put up all those photos and then saying nothing would be far worse. You aren't going to say something that's going to make her suddenly remember her grief--she remembers just fine already. But you do have the power to be immensely comforting right now.
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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 05:00 PM
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I wouldn't know what to say or do either. That is beyond words hard Click here to enlarge I am so sorry for their loss, and YOURS too.

I am just really, really sorry.
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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-24-2010, 05:03 PM
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Deb,
How are you doing??
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post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-26-2010, 08:05 PM Thread Starter
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I have heard they are doing much better. My baby sis is close to them and keeps me updated.
They have posted some new pics of them with the baby. I guess they are coming out of their shell a little.
There was a couple memorial services and a lot of tears but healing takes time and they are so so strong. I couldnt show the strength they have. They are amazing.
My parents are not doing well, my mom still hasnt gone back to work and my dad is still on leave.

ty so much for asking Click here to enlarge
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post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-26-2010, 08:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Deb View Post
I have heard they are doing much better. My baby sis is close to them and keeps me updated.
They have posted some new pics of them with the baby. I guess they are coming out of their shell a little.
There was a couple memorial services and a lot of tears but healing takes time and they are so so strong. I couldnt show the strength they have. They are amazing.
My parents are not doing well, my mom still hasnt gone back to work and my dad is still on leave.

ty so much for asking Click here to enlarge
I am glad to hear that your family is doing a bit better. Click here to enlarge

Now, tell me how YOU are doing. Click here to enlarge
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post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 01-28-2010, 11:21 PM Thread Starter
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I am fine, Still. I know I have to grieve, I know I want to, I haven't yet.
I am just waiting, patiently, for it to hit. I have been numb for a while now. Anger phase passed, just wish the rest would too.

ty for asking Click here to enlarge
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post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-11-2010, 10:28 AM
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Deb, I just read this thread. I'm so sorry your family is going through this right now. I have no advice. It's just a terrible thing to have happen.
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post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-11-2010, 11:46 AM
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post #16 of 18 (permalink) Old 06-25-2018, 02:51 AM
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I feel sorry for you. Your loss can't be described in words. May God bless you and your family. They were not punished, and neither they nor anyone else deserves this terrible thing. There is no need to feel guilty. It's all normal. This is a terrible loss for them but it's OK for you to have feelings about it. Hope things get better for you and your family. God help you all.
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post #17 of 18 (permalink) Old 06-25-2018, 05:32 AM
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Hello, I am also very shocked dear to read your post. Your post shows that life is unpredictable. Nothing is impossible. Those who keep strong will get something good in future. And those who lose heart remain empty-handed. Today, many ladies became disappointed by listening about their infertility. But they should not. If they just read your post. They will be very positive about their pregnancy issues too. Dear your doubts are very true. As in this age, your pregnancy will keep you confused throughout the 9 months. But you have to just keep yourself calm for the sake of your baby. And just hope for the best. Follow your doctor’s advise. Take rest. And do shopping for your baby
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post #18 of 18 (permalink) Old 06-25-2018, 07:12 AM
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Stressing only makes things worse. It could really result in another miscarriage. I know it is hard but you need to distract herself. Try and feel good about things and give out positive thoughts. This really works. It is a critical time for you right now. You need to handle this carefully. Good luck to you.
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