My professional opinion is that it really isn't about the chores, it is about f eeling disrespected. I can relate to that, our issues here are not exactly that same, but it doesn't really matter what they are, the point is that I feel disrespected, and dh isn't doing anything about it.

My dh doesn't understand what I mean by disrespect, to him, it is innocent forgetfulness we weren't arguing about it yesterday, but one of the things he does that I keep asking him not to do came up, so I said something, I said, "see, that is disrespect." He goes, "I don't do it on purpose," so I said, well what is it, a tic?"

I guess it is true that you can really only change yourself, so how about deciding to not accept disrespect anymore? I might try that today as well, it's a a work in progress.

Doesn't work.

making the kids do shit is absolutely a task.

I'm of the opinion that of one spouse thinks things are bad enough to need counseling then it doesn't matter if the other one thinks everything is fine. They should go because they love their spouse and obviously things aren't good for the one requesting it.

FP -- from the sounds of it you've already fallen into the pattern of doing everything for the littles, just as you did for the bigs. That's the dynamic you can change, and you might be able to enlist your husband into doing more to help be an example to the kids.

Two things jumped out at me (and keep in mind James and Linus are the same age and while older, Nikki is functionally at that same level):
1) Why are you scrubbing the walls that one of them drew on -- put a pair of kid-sized gardening gloves on them and hand them the magic eraser and tell them that they made the mess they get to clean it up? (the first time I made my two stand there and scrub for 30 minutes was the last time they wrote on the walls - mean yes but at 5 and 9 that shit needed to end.)

2) Both of the littles are old enough to know the evening routine -- they know they need to wash their hands and faces and brush their teeth before bed, the stink eye on that shouldn't have gone to your husband but to the kids.

I got tired earlier this year of having to nag my two through the morning routine and the bedtime routine every day. It made our mornings hugely stressful and I felt as if all I was doing was yelling. I made them charts out of file folders and velcro that laid out what they needed to do each morning and each night. They flip up each step as they complete it. Now they want to play in the morning or watch tv and the simple question is "did you finish your routine?" No more I forgots or I didn't remember. Those excuses have been taken away from them.

If the littles don't have regular chores -- they need them, or you might be in the same place when they are older. Are they going to be done perfectly? - nope but they're getting done.

As for things like vacuuming the crevices on the couch -- I'm assuming that need comes from people eating in the living room? No more food in the living room unless the grown people in your house are willing to clean up after themselves by taking turns vacuuming the couch and floor. Someone is eating in the living room pick up the plate and bring it to the table.

No one willing to wash up the dishes? -- paper plates. (or the one set of plate each and they get to wash their own).

are the throw ways good for the environment no. but if they put you in a better place health wise both mentally and physically that's more important.